Dusk & Dawn

28- dusk, dark of the dawn

As I regained consciousness, it felt like I had been dreaming of one life and I had lived the other. My consciousness came with terrifying pains radiating all through my body to the core of my brain.

Without opening my eyes to the gift of the morning, I could feel different pair of hands holding onto mine on either sides of my body.

As my eyes gradually opened, I could feel the pregnant silence, heavy tension and the silenced burden on the figure of the people I could see from my blurry eyesight.

"My dear, can you see me?" I heard my mom's voice first and so I squinted my eyes to find her hovering slightly above my body. "You were out for three days."

I groaned in pain as I turned to Ezra who was holding onto my hand on my second side before they both helped me to sit up on the bed. My bones hurt so much, I could feel tears pricking my eyes because of it.

I looked back at my mom, processing her statement without failing to notice the dried tears in the corner of her eyes.

"Are you okay?" I turned to Ezra as he asked, while desperately still holding onto my hand with tears teetered on the edge of his eyes.

I looked forward to my friends sitting on the chair with their hands still clasped together in anxiety. Like they carried a secret of the last three days that I wasn't aware of.

Ezra touched my forehead with his free hand as always to feel my temperature, but he doesn't say anything. I looked back at mom wondering why she was unable to meet my eye.

"Ma, where is Gianna?" I asked, my voice quivering in fear of what it was that they knew. Her face lightened up with assurance.

"Gianna is doing fine, dr Topaz will bring her after chemo," she responded with a small smile which soon disappeared as though it was never there.

I nodded in relief knowing that was all that mattered to me. I looked back at everyone in the room before sounding out my fears.

"Is it me then?" I asked, a heavy silence unfolding like it was a secret no one dared to mention. I looked at Ezra hoping he'd at least tell the truth to me.

"The transplant won't save me, will it?" I asked him.

In that moment, I found myself wondering if the ground could just swallow me rather than having to hear that answer. But I was prepared for it, I had been prepared for this moment, almost all my life.

As my mom squeezed my hands and sobbed, she nodded negative. I could see Cleo holding onto Naomi who had fallen back to the chair and silently wailed. I breathed hard, in and out before squeezing my mom's and Ezra's hands simultaneously.

I let go of her hand after a while and patted her hair instead. "Don't cry, Ma." I asked her. She only nodded her head, the veins popping out and becoming visible from the skin on her face. "At least we tried."

I had tried to sleep hoping to forget all of my misery. But I was scared that if I slept for too long, I wouldn't be able to see my family or my friends again. That's why I opened my eyes intermittently and every time I found them sitting by my side, a new sense of relief washed through me.

One that I couldn't give to my father on a night that he needed everyone the most.

Deep into the night, my friends had passed out on the chair from crying all day. Aunt Kate had taken mom with her so that she could rest. My noisy breathing echoed through the room as I watched Gianna who had been stubborn enough to ask that she slept beside me. I continued to stroke Lane's fur as he was gently placed between my legs, staring at me with gloomy eyes, like he knew something the others did not.

This night, I had endured so much pain and suffering. But when it felt like it was slipping beyond my control, I realized what Lane knew that the others didn't. So I squeezed Ezra's hands to get his attention before I gently whispered his name.

"I'm here Raine, I'm here." He responded immediately as he looked up from the ground and to me.

As I stared at his grey eyes, never had I wanted a little more time than now. But even that had gone beyond my reach.

"I am in pain, Ezra." I told him, the tears from the discomfort streaming down both sides of my face.

"I know Raine, I'm sorry." He cried, finally letting the tears out of his eyes; one that he had harbored in from the early hours of the morning.

I had so much left to do; I wanted to teach Gianna to drive; I wanted mom to have more reasons to call me crazy; I wanted to keep loving Ezra; I wanted to watch aunt Kate get married; I was only asking for another movie marathon with my girls.

These people were everything to me and I was thankful for them. Lane had everyone's love and attention. Cleo was going to keep Harp and Mims together. Aunt Kate had to help mom be strong. Gianna had Sia but Ezra. Ezra had just me.

And I just knew somehow that in the quiet of the night, the stars would witness my slumber and all that will be left will be memories of my battles and the dreams that we all shared.

"I have to sleep, Ezra." I told him again, feeling my voice go even lower than the last time I spoke.

"Will you find peace then?" He asked me, his voice shaking as he asked that.

"It's the only way that I can," I shook my head, the hot tears streaming down my face and drowning into my ears.

"A next life then?" He asked me, stretching his hand to me for an agreement which I took before he leaned over to me and plant a kiss on my forehead.

"Farewell it is, my love." His voice even though distant, echoed within the lobes in my brain.

My mother walked into the room in the same minute and even though it seemed like my eyelids were about to close to a force like that of two magnets drawing to each other, I squinted to see her. She was still crying by the time she got to me. She held my hands in a way that she knew it was the last time she was going to hold them.

"Mom, I have to go." I gently said, my voice soothing at the thought of the peace I was about to encounter.

"I don't want you to!" She cried, knowing. Gianna's body stirred in the bed, her warmth spreading through the bed sheets thanks to an entrancing slumber.

"Dad has been waiting for long," I answered her, my voice barely sounding in my own hearing. "Tell Gianna I said bye."

"You fought bravely my dear, find your peace now." With a tender smile, tear filled eyes, my mother held onto my hands ever so strongly.

But even so, I closed my eyes and found my father holding out his hands for me to take. It gladdened my heart at the thought that he could finally find some company after all of this time.

So I smiled, and went to sleep.