Serkan
Leyla brings me a glass of water and a lemon, as I requested, and I feel Eda's eyes on me from the other end of the conference room table. She refuses to work in the upstairs office; she insists on working in the same room as me and I don't know why. I hoped she would leave me alone when I proposed to Selin in front of her, but she's still here, in my space, in my hair, in my thoughts. I can't escape her.
I look at her and raise an eyebrow, releasing a frustrated sigh. She's watching me like I'm some kind of experiment; I know she's looking for signs that my memory is coming back.
She doesn't understand that I don't want it back.
The man she knows is a stranger to me. I can't even believe I let myself become that person. When people tell me about what happened over the past year, I reject it immediately. They wonder how I'm not curious, why I don't ask questions. Selin has told me everything I need to know, and I want no part of it.
But sometimes I get those flashes of her...in that yellow dress...and something happens to me that I can't explain. I don't just see an image, but it feels like I'm there.
Selin must be right about her--she must be a master manipulator. I don't know how else I would leave myself behind to become the guy that she remembers. She's certainly very good at acting like she was in love with me--with her version of me. The only thing I wonder is, what hold did she have over me to make me play along?
Her presence makes me uncomfortable. I can't explain why or how, but I always feel on alert when she's around. She makes me anxious, she makes the hair on my arms stand up, my heart beat harder, my blood whoosh in my ears. I can sense her, even before I see her. And, god help me, I can't get the feeling of her lips on mine out of my head.
When I close my eyes, I see her leaning toward me. I remember that ache in my chest that always seems to come when she's near me. I feel her hand on my face, the other one covering my hand over my heart. I can smell the light floral perfume she wears mixed with her own scent, and I remember how I wanted to bury my face in her neck and just inhale her. Maybe it's pheromones that makes me feel drawn to her; it has to be scientific physical attraction. I try to convince myself it's nothing more than that. She's a beautiful woman, after all--why wouldn't I be attracted to her?
But I remember how I couldn't stop myself from kissing her back even if I wanted to, like it was second nature, like it was what I was meant for. It felt like her heart was beating in my chest--I felt what she felt, and in that moment, I wanted nothing more than I wanted to remember her. When she pulled back and looked at me, I was drawn into her eyes. Her hope made me feel hopeful, her love made me feel like maybe someone could love me.
But then I remembered who I was. I stood on shaky legs and said a bunch of meaningless words I don't even remember, and to really make sure Eda knew who she was dealing with, I asked Selin to marry me in front of everyone who had just watched Eda kiss me. I'm not romantic, I don't have a heart, I don't believe in love, and I am not interested in a woman who thinks she can change me.
That's why Selin is a good match for me. She knows who I am and she's satisfied with that. She doesn't try to get into my head. She doesn't push me. She just lets me be, and that's the way I want it.
I haven't even kissed Selin the way I kissed Eda--a couple of pecks on the cheek, maybe, but that's it. She's been taking care of me since I got out of the hospital, and we were living together, but there hasn't been romance. She's familiar, she's comfortable. But she doesn't make my heart race. My body doesn't react to hers. It's just as well; I don't have time or patience for those kinds of frivolous things.
