passports (hlvrai x reader)

chapter fifteen.

====TW: MENTIONS OF DEATH & GUNS, SMALL MENTION OF SUICIDE====

words: 4452

(y/n)'s pov~

i felt myself waking up from my shitty sleep when someone began repeatedly nudging my shoulder. i let out a small groan, still feeling very groggy as i sat up from the cold floor. 

"good morning!" tommy exclaims, staring into my eyes with a wide smile. 

i gave him a strained smile as i stretched, waking myself up the rest of the way. 

"good morning, tommy," i greet back lazily. 

the memories of last night hit me all at once, ruining the moment of calm i was having. i looked around, seeing benrey staring at me from the other side of the room with a deadpan look on his face. i felt a pang in my chest as my eyes met his, my head quickly snapping back to tommy.

"do you want something to eat?" i quickly ask.

he nods as i hand him some snacks and a sprite from my pockets, taking some chips for myself as well. tommy and i sat and ate comfortably, talking and making jokes back and forth with each other. it was nice talking to tommy, he always had such a friendly energy to him. dr. coomer and bubby woke up not long after, joining us in our little circle and eating with us. i could still feel eyes from behind me and i fought the urge to turn around, instead trying to enjoy the moment with everyone else.

"mr. freeman is- he's a very heavy sleeper..." tommy mutters, taking a sip of his soda.

"ah! i have an idea!" dr. coomer chimes, "we should find a ladder and roll him down like a barrel!"

"coomer, why-" i attempt to pipe in.

the other two nod their heads at coomer's suggestion, meaning no matter how much i protested they'd go through with it anyways. i drag a hand down the side of my face and sigh as i help them find a ladder in the other rooms. bubby points one out and i go back over to gordon, helping tommy pick him up over to where bubby was. 

we all climb down the ladder as we wait for bubby to roll gordon down. i give tommy and coomer one last soda before we leave.

"rise and shine!" we hear bubby's muffled voice tell gordon.

"no- AAAHH! whOAh-!" i hear gordon yell from inside the tunnel, "what the hell are you doing to me, man?!"

"i was trying to get you to progress so we can go the hell home!" bubby informs him.

"bro, you could wake me up like a human! let me-! ugh, FUCK,"

i watch as bubby climbs down, gordon coming out right after him. 

"hey! hey. how about less of a-"

"good morning, dr. freeman! i see operation 'roll you down the ladder like a barrel' was a complete failure!

gordon chuckles it off, "it was a total failure... and i don't approve!" he shouts at us light-heartedly, "let's keep it- let's keep it kosher! and less like.. hostile,"

i couldn't help but smile a bit at gordon's carefree attitude. but as if a figure of guilt was leaning over my shoulder, the twinge of happiness i had faded. i had the strongest urge to look at benrey, who i knew was staring daggers into me from where he was. i wanted to talk to him so badly.

i wanted to shout to him with all my heart about how sorry i was that i had hurt him. how my heart would race when i'd talk to him and joke with him, how he helped me feel so untroubled through this whole mess, how even though i hated the idea at first, i loved those stupid 'black mesa protocol' piggy back rides he'd give me even if i didn't need them.