delphinium means [bnha]

dancing around blurry lines

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Airi had her back straightened her legs crossed at the ankles as she sat down on the chair of Kichirō's office, waiting patiently for her mind to understand what Kichirō just said to her as her eyes remained closed focusing on her breathing. Perfectly still in a world rushing by and leaving her behind. She hears the other children playing tag outside the office and her heart took a dive into an abyss as she sinks deeper in. The weight of regret and fear making her fall deeper as she uselessly struggles against gravity. The inescapable sinking feeling was something she was familiar with but not used to, she'd never be used to it.

Did she have the right to be devasted when she was indirectly the cause of this? She could've warned them. She could've been there. Did she make the right decision? To not even attempt to do anything to save the only people she could call family? It wasn't, it would never be. Would she change anything if given the chance? Airi doesn't know. She was always such a coward. Too scared to break the rules, too scared to fight for the people she loves...but did she really love them if she couldn't even fight back for the people that mattered to her? Voices in her mind scream as they whisper malicious words that planted seeds of doubts on her.

'They were just your coping mechanism to make you feel better about yourself, weren't they?'

'You don't really care about them, do you? If you did then you would've done something and not let them walk towards their death'

'They were probably screaming for you when they were ripped apart by those other kids'

'They probably hate you. They hate you for leaving them. They hate you for not being there. You're such a failure'

Airi covers her ears with her hand, wincing with pain. Her head throbs painfully and she hears her heartbeat getting louder. Screeching voices shout, fighting in her mind. Blaming each other, making excuses, and always running away. A storm silently brewed before raging inside of her, disturbing the comfort that she had swallowed in high doses, the ground shakes as everything she has crumbled. She tried to hide in the comfort and home of her fear and cowardice but had her roof ripped off and her warm blanket of ignorance was torn away from her. Her body trembles, tremoring like an earthquake. Hunched over in anguish, she could only focus on the pain. Everything seemed too amplified, everything was getting louder and faster and Airi couldn't take it, it hurt too much and she was still thinking about her pain when this was likely what the kids went through with a stab of betrayal from the person they had trusted the most and she's an evil person but she was still scared, still so scared, her heart dropped as self-loathing rose up in her like the bile in her throat and she needed help because she was sinking too fast and it feels like water is spreading in her lungs as she tries to struggle from whatever monster was dragging her down then the world is spinning as she thrashes against their hold and can someone just please help? The ringing comes back with a vengeance as she hears the chatter of the 7-year-olds on the sitting around the boisterous laughter of the 9-year-olds a couple of rooms away. Did her medication fade? It felt like her ears were going to bleed as unwanted noises assault her, and can they just shut up? 'Cause, they weren't helping Airi when she was trying to think and they're forcing their stupid laughter in Airi's ears. Airi takes shallow breaths as panic creeps in, feeling especially vulnerable. Noises fill her senses when she just wants the world to stay quiet. She tries to compose herself because she's always trying to compose herself but it hurts too much.