ただの友達 | y. okkotsu

two

You remained by his side.

No matter what it takes, you'll stay with him. Because you felt responsible. Because you loved him. And it was your fault for taking the love of his life away.

Guilt. Sadness. Pain. Emptiness.

Your life was nothing but an abyss of never-ending constant misery.

Everything was worse after Rika died. It felt worse than death itself.

Losing Rika was indeed painful. Her bright cheeriness that always lit up you and Yuta's world was never felt again after her disappearance. And you think that it will remain that way forever. There was only one Rika in this world. No one could duplicate her, or even come close to her beauty inside and out. She was like an angel, and angels don't just come falling from the sky multiple times in every lifetime.

But worse came to worst.

Death and losing her was one thing.

But seeing her, or something claiming to be her, in such a monstrous form, was another. Another drastically different thing.

Every day was like a living nightmare. And there was no exaggeration in your words. Death seemed so sweet— to taste the feeling of sweet release from all earthly things, then, just the pitch and eternal blackness of sleep. Yes, death was very tempting.

But death would make you more selfish than you already were. Your feelings of jealousy were already selfish enough to make you the greediest girl on earth, but to kill yourself and leave Yuta alone— your heart and could simply not handle the thought.

You still loved him so very much after all. You loved him so much, and staying was your way of selfishly convincing yourself that he still needed you. Again, another selfish assumption to make you feel needed by the world.

You didn't know what happened to Rika. All that seemed to make sense right now was your assumption of what happened: Rika by some sort of magic took the form of a monster that attached herself to Yuta.

~

"Yuta. Ohayo!" You said cheerfully, a smile etched on your worn out and tired face. You decided to take the role of peacemaker and positivity bringer. If you didn't try, no one else would. He wouldn't.

He nodded silently. "Ohayo." He too was looking more malnourished and depressed, but you couldn't blame him. The bags under his eyes were similar to yours but if someone was to point out who looked worse, they would point to you.

Guilt ate you every day. Sleep was unachievable. No circumstances were you ever feeling hungry, and when you were, you would eat nothing but oatmeal just to let the hunger pass. You were dangerously thin, making teachers at the school lecture you all the time about proper care, but you would only smile at them and nod your head mindlessly. And your eyes— they held so much untold sadness that was hidden terribly behind the smile you always tried to put on.

You were a mess. A disaster.

Your grandmother who was your only guardian died shortly after Rika did. But at that point, you were already in so much pain that it barely felt like anything. At least, she wouldn't have to witness your life slowly crumble away.

The walk to school was silent as always.

"You should eat." He said thoughtlessly, breaking the silence with the smallest fraction of a smile at the corner of his mouth.

You turned to him, a similarly small smile plastered on your face as your eyes tugged in a small squint.

"Yeah... I probably should..." you answered, but you both knew there was no meaning behind it.