Sophomore Year Journal

.... I wish someone actually read these.

(2/9/15) Hey, it's my nephews birthday.

... I haven't written in awhile but today feels entirely depressing.

Some weird things have popped up that I want to vent about.

1. AJ and I have took a weird turn, it's also in the process of another turn.

Well, what happened was.. I was planning on going away. I didn't really want to, but life is just so blehhhhhhHHHHH. So, I marked on my arm "help" and he seen it. He talked to me about it out of concern and I didn't go away. Ever since then him and i have been closer than ever.

But, in the midst of it, He's seemed to.. I don't exactly know anymore. I'll just type out what happened..

For some reason the subject of dating came up and I admitted to him I would date him. We ended up telling each other that we seen nothing wrong with each other and that we wish we could find a negative.

Then the subject of dating came back up a few more times, and he told me that he would love to be with me and such and such.

There's only one weird thing.. He likes a girl from church and I know the only reason he won't date me (He never flat out said this, but it's kinda obvious) is his interest in her..

Of course I'm a bit jealous because 1. She probably will never see the real him or like him at all. I don't even know if they talk. 2. IF the scenario were to happen where she does talk to him and possibly like him... When she sees the real him she's gonna be creeped out.. He's not exactly a subtle person... And he doesn't talk correctly.. I don't know sometimes how I can get passed that and see his positive aspects... But I do. 3. I'M JUST A JEALOUS TEENAGE GIRL WHO IS IRRATIONAL OKAY? She's probably somehow better than me anyway.. Who wants a girl who has a lot of mental mess ups on her body? and just in general... -_-

The another turn is.. we usually game every night. But he's starting to record with his other friend.. AKA.. Make a YouTube channel.

Knowing him he's probably gonna say something stupid and the internet won't take it well.. Especially with him being such a Christian he is and sharing those views possibly. Christianity is not widely accepted on the internet and he's going to be under fire for it.

That's honestly my main reason why this is of concern, but my jealous side kicks in and just wants to play with him. I had fun nights with him! Those would end if he left John and I for his other friend to record and what not.

2. Depression sucks.

I freakin need help. I just do. I'm getting worse by day. My arms suck. fwdkmkvbshkjvdlmvfnbuiejkdslvdbdfskjdmkv I shouldn't type this on a school computer what a bad idea.. lets find something positive...

I made these Valentines day jars for everyone. :) What I did was: I wrote 84 separate compliments about all my friends (3 for each day of the month of February) And they would pick out 3 compliments from that Jar a day starting Feb. 1st.

It made everyone feel happy. I'm glad it did.. The selfish part of me hopes that I get at least something little from someone.. Maybe a stuffed animal? Idk. I would appreciate the fact that someone thought of me..

This is my issue. I want attention. I want affection. I am really lonely. My depression is stemming from wanting someone to show me some sort of love. I wonder if I wouldn't be sad anymore if I had that...

No, I'm sure I would still be sad. Even when I had partners who I felt that way with.. (Like I was getting the attention I wanted) I would still be sad.

Maybe medication could drown this.. I need to see a doctor.. And a real therapist.. Not just AJ and my pastor.

3. Gender is confusing.

I'm almost 100% I'm gender fluid. Some days I'm just like "Yeah I'm a girl." Other days I'm like "Yeah I'm a guy." Which SUCKS because I just want to be set and normal. I want to figure myself out and love myself. I don't really think I'll love myself.. Ever.. So maybe just to be able to figure myself out would be nice. Maybe I shouldn't focus on gender and just focus on style.. Do I like my hair long or short..? Do I like skirts and dresses? Do I like pink..? Do I like blue..? Are ties nice..? Because fashion is whatever you want.. Not so much gender.

Ehh..

I feel Canadian.. EHHHHHH.

There's so many questions to life. I hate it. I wanna sleep forever. I'm excited for summer to come so I can be at the pond again :D

My life is on a repeat.. I hate it.. I only have so long to be a teenager and it feels wasted.. I can only wonder how life will be to come.. Normally I can predict how the future will be.. But this time..

I don't have a clue about tomorrow or next year.