Sophomore Year Journal

Five Nights at Freddy's (Tyler's Story, Somewhat.)

(same day as teacher rant, wanted it to be separated though.

MeeeeeeeHHHHHHH

I have SOOOOOOO MUUUUUUCHHH TO DOOOOOOOOOO

and I don't even want to do any of it I can't even UGH

Hanging out with Griffin will be fun, he's always a joy to around.

Not like any of the people at this school.

Who thought I could make friends with a hardcore Christian? He has his effects on me, I probably would just be an atheist if he wasn't constantly implying Jesus into advice he gives me about life and being nice with me and being loving..

Speaking of love, platonically we are weird.

We're (not in a terrible way) touchy.

I mean like hugs, which is weird to me. Now you're probably like "hugging is normal."

To me hugging is a terrible thing. I don't like it at all I'm very over protective of myself, I scream don't touch me" at everyone. But yet he's somehow managed to get me to trust him fully, It's very awkward.. He'll see me and if theres not much around he'll put his hand on my shoulder.

I mean.. He does it because we know each other that we need the.. "love" we both want the attention but I'm terrified of anyone touching me besides him, my mother and Josh.

I miss Josh... Him and I were even touchier.. Tyler is just hugs and embracing if we're sad.

I remember the first time I hugged him.. I really want to type this story now.. This happened starting on Thursday.. Which was 4/17/14.. A few days before Easter.

I was in a play with Tyler.. I also knew a very troubled girl. Him and I being close at the time unless he was around Colton he was around me, and I was around him if I wasn't around Megan.

But.. He was looking over my shoulder and while he was, she sent me a picture of bleeding wrists.

You see... I help people.. I deal with this all the time. I help people. I wasn't shocked but I was in love with her so I was scared and panicked, because I did so did Tyler. I tried to get him to relax but he couldn't. He started calling people and trying to get advice from pastors and Mr. Rimpel.. It was hard to see him in so much pain over something I thought I had control over. He talked to her himself and she told us we helped and that she was okay, he looked exhausted so I pulled myself together and put my hand on his shoulder.. I felt like I was gonna punch him in the face when I touched him. But he needed it.. Even though at the time he was only my best friend.. I still thought highly of him and loved him to death..

The next day I found out she lied.. I really don't want to get into details and I don't think I ever will...

Tyler constantly asked if she was okay. I kept lying.. In reality her condition worsened.. He always just looked at me and said "Everything's okay. She's gonna be fine." and forced his own smile.

I finally got the news Monday after Easter she was gone.. That day we had play practice..

The girl I loved was gone...

The girl.. I loved.. Was gone..

I held myself together as much as I could and told myself "Wait until we're away from people.. You know you're not gonna be able to handle the look on his face.. His first suicide.. and this your second.. You know how this pain stings.. You know he's gonna hurt.. He knew her too.. It's just gonna kill him.. Worry about him.. Don't mess up.. You're okay.. He's not going to be okay,"

We had a part where it was only us in the back.. I wanted to stay away from him but I couldn't, he always walked by me again not getting the hint I needed space desperately.

I looked down so he wouldn't see my face blocking everything he said out until I heard the words "Sara why are you crying, what's up?" and put his hand on my shoulder.. And the feeling of wanting to hurt him for breaking that personal space was gone.. So I just looked up and whispered "She's gone."

He knew what I was talking about.. And just pulled me into a hug.. I forgot what a hug felt like.. I forgot what empathy felt like.. I cried into his shoulder and held on tight..

I really didn't want him to go away.. I forgot what physical love was.. I forgot how it made you feel.. I forgot how much of a bonding experience a simple hug from your best friend is.

He cried a bit too, I heard it in his voice while he whispered "It's okay, we did all we could, let it out."

The best part was he rubbed circles on my back.. I loved it.. I didn't want to shove him away or scream at him.. I wanted the love.. I didn't know how much I wanted it until I got it..

When he finally got me and himself to calm down.. I just buried my head in his neck and refused to let him move..

For the first time the world stopped.. for the first time I felt what comfort was.. for the first time I knew that I was the one who was weird and had issues because I didn't like touch.

He took off work to stay with me.. He let me talk.. I let him talk too.. I know he was in pain too.. Maybe he isn't to this day.. Hopefully the pain stung off of him..

To this day.. I'm okay with his touch.. I'm okay with his physical comfort.. I trust him with my life.. that says a lot.. And over time we grew to be the closest to each other.. All because one day I let him hug me..

Yes.. It was the hug.. Because we talked later and he told me how he felt disconnected from me because of my hate of touch.. And he explained how he hesitated a bit with hugging me but decided I really needed it.. because he knew my touch issue.. and he knew me well enough that I would find a crazy amount of comfort in it.. Not only because he knew how close we were.. But because He knew way more than I did about myself and the touch problem..

This is probably the longest journal I'll ever do.. But I'm in the middle of class ready to bust into tears..

I love my best friend.. We seem like people who would never be able to get along.. We seem like people who would never get so close and find that we're more similar than we think.

But.. In reality.. We're more alike than we and others think.. I love him to death and I'm never letting such a remarkable kid go.. It's hard to fill the slot of "closest to me" but that kid was special enough to do it..

Wow I really wanna type what connected us but I need to study for Chemistry. If I get an F in that class I'm screwed for awhile..

Maybe I really did need AI..