Rabid Cur (Kylo Ren x Reader)

Chapter Fourteen

TRIGGER WARNING: PTSD / Anxiety attack in detail.

Staring at the ceiling that morning, it felt like everything had changed.

You couldn't sleep, your body was consumed with fear and your mind would not rest. The memories replayed over and over again as you lied restless in bed, you could hardly stand it.

And when you would eventually drift to sleep, you would dream of the one person who you shouldn't have been thinking of at all.

Ren.

You couldn't fool yourself into believing he was anything more than an acquaintance, even though your brain was saying otherwise.

'He is nothing to me, as I am to him.'

Or was that just what you were just trying to convince yourself of?

You were running on fumes during the day, existing solely for the sake of those around you. It didn't matter what happened that day, or who you saw. You would always be analyzing repeatedly the events that lead up to that day, how the trauma would forever be with you. You could not wash his fingertips off your skin, you scrubbed and scrubbed to get his germs off you but you still felt that disgusting feeling of his hands on you all the time.

Beyond that, it was never endlessly wracking your brain,

'Why did this terrible man save me?'

His heinous crimes and acts of violence were one of the only stable qualities about him, and somehow he found it inside himself to rescue you. Nevertheless rescuing you from a seemingly normal crime in your galaxy that happened frequently too. It just did not make sense.

'Shouldn't he have done similar crimes of this nature? Taken advantage of women, taken them against their will? Or was it all just an act?'

The evidence was damning that he was not such a horrible monster as he had led you all to believe. But did that mean you could trust him?

No.

You couldn't trust him, nor be around him and that's the end of it. There's nothing more to think about.

You were finally going to meet with Phasma and the new recruits, something that you were supposed to do before things went so south. It was standard business and you knew it would be an easy day for you. You were grateful for that.

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"Nice to see your face around again," Phasma said to you before going into the training center. Her blonde hair tousled itself as she took her helmet off. She was so tall, even sitting down you felt small next to her large stature.

"I figured you deserved to be graced by my presence again," you joked as you talked for a minute.

"You alright though? I've heard whispers onboard and I wanted to check in with you," she said changing her tone.

You sighed briefly before answering, "Nah don't worry about me, you know I roll with the punches."

Truthfully you were not okay in the slightest but that didn't actually matter.

"Of course, I know that. Doesn't make it any easier though," she replied generously. There was a pause in conversation, enough time for you to try and relax your jaw and drop the tension in your shoulders. Which you had been anxiously carrying the whole day.

She came back into focus after a minute and tried to make small talk again.

"So, how was your meeting with Snoke?"