Such Kylo Trash

Different

Your mother welcomed you home with much enthusiasm, while with Kylo Ren she became more standoffish. You wondered briefly if your father had spoken to her about your handler. When you presented Liu Ren to your mother, she received your tooke trap plant with more warmth than she had Ren. You felt a little deflated at that. You were also unsurprised when this resulted in Kylo Ren slinking off to your bedroom. You set your plant in your room and watched the man, who had not yet taken off his helmet. He had sat on the edge of the bed. You moved towards him, however he stood and turned his back to you. Kylo walked over to the window, staring out it.

You flinched at his actions, which prompted him to dip his chin, as though looking at your reflection in the glass of the window. "This is your time to visit her." Spoken so plainly. Detached. It hurt you on both an emotional and physical level. Your stomach felt as though it were twisting because you recognized his altered actions and attitude. They were how you handled things that were disappointing, that were hurtful. You seized your bottom lip with your teeth, nodded slowly, and left the room; you knew he wanted to be alone at the moment.

You dragged your feet as you walked, throwing on a false sense of cheer when you entered the living room. Your mother smiled at you. "(Y/n)," she said with a certain level of fondness. You hummed, tilting your head to the side. "Is... Your father said that... With your...er...handler—"

"I'm in a relationship with him, yeah," you said, cutting her off. Your mother sighed, an expression of dismay coming to her face. "What's so wrong with it?"

Shaking her head, she began, "I don't know him, (Y/n). It isn't... It's not him, although... There are things your father has told me. About...Kylo Ren. Certain, let's call them personality quirks. He's... You're my daughter. I want what's best for you. I do want to see you happy—don't give me that look." You forced yourself to frown, to have a more neutral expression. "You were engaged to be married. Yes, we knew you would have your career in the First Order. Yet you were talking about having children, and..."

"This isn't where I saw my life either, mom," you murmured when she trailed off. Your mother nodded. "I... I was supposed to have...he said he wouldn't mind staying home. Raising our child together. We had a name picked out...multiple names for more than one kid, and... We had a plan together. I thought things were going to be different, but they're not... I am. I'm different. This is different. I never pictured myself here. And... You know... On a lot of levels... Kylo is the only one who understands me. The only person I feel I can relate to. I feel more like...a human...a woman. I get to pretend things are normal for a time with him."

"I want you to be happy, (Y/n)," she said again.

You dropped onto one of the chairs in the living room. Blinking as you stared at your mother, you felt a mixture of numbness and weight on you. As though your mind could not fully wrap around detachment nor could it entertain completely the sense of depression that was threatening to overwhelm you. You slouched in the chair. Neither of you spoke for a number of minutes, none of which you counted. Then you found yourself speaking again.

"I'm not going to be that sort of happy. I'm...grieving. I guess? Mourning who I thought I was, and coming to terms with who I really am. Trying to wrap my head around the fact that those plans I had, all those months of laughing with him and talking about our future...that's not going to happen. Starting over...discovering myself...learning about Ren at the same time. I don't feel so crazy with him. I don't...it's the closest to happy I get. I mean... It's my new happy."

"It's a more...somber happy...than I've seen in you in the past," she said softly, and you knew she was not criticizing. It dawned on you that she, too, was mourning the woman she had believed you to be. Trying to come to grips with the fact that your future was not going to be what you had for months and years told her. "I have my reservations about him, (Y/n)...but part of that is because I don't want to see you hurt anymore. You could have brought anyone home, and I would have felt this way."