Such Kylo Trash

Stamina

(Warnings: blood; vague voyeurism; emotions; thoughts of suicide/death)

Red. You bathed in red, and you were bathed in red. The blood on your hands, on your clothes, and in your hair. The red glow illuminating your flesh from the lightsaber your handler possessed. It was ugly, the gore all around you. Different than what you had believed would occur when first you had been handed the mission. A mistake on your part, which was why the lightsaber was level with your neck. Your chest rising and falling with every breath you took. Behind you, Kylo Ren was perfectly calm. He could kill you without little remorse—how strange, how bizarre that this endeared him to you all the more. The sense of duty that had been instilled within you. Of loyalty. You had immediately dropped your weapon when the plasma blade had cut through the darkness.

"He wasn't supposed to be here," you whispered. Kylo Ren said nothing, nor did he lower the blade. The dead officer was still bleeding out on the ground. "I thought—he wasn't supposed to be here."

"You need to calm yourself." Your voice may have been only a little shaky, however he had you pegged. You were a moment away from breaking into hysterics. A laugh and sob both clutched at your throat, threatening to erupt. "He was foolish. Failed to obey orders."

"It makes me want to die, Ren." You released a ragged breath, leaning your head towards the heat of the blade yet not quite touching it. Sweat gathered on your brow, dripping and sizzling when it met the red of his weapon. The angle of his weapon changed when Kylo Ren took a step closer to you. "I should have been able to..."

"Had you hesitated and he been an enemy, you would not be standing." The red glow disappeared. "You want to die?" Before you even received a chance to respond, there was a pressure on your throat, choking you and cutting off your air. Your eyes watered, red and black dots popping behind your eyelids as tears started to stream down your face. You scrambled to grab at the nonexistent hand. Kylo Ren used the Force to throw you across the room, slamming you onto the ground. You gulped in air, wheezing when the pressure relented, though it did not disappear entirely. Adrenaline began to pump through your veins.

You realized, despite your shock at having accidentally killed one of your comrades and the remorse you felt, you did not want to die. The depression that threatened to consume you did not mean you were ready to forfeit your life. It wasn't fair, your mind screamed at you; the officer was the one to have made the mistake.

Panting, trying to regain your breath, you stared through the darkness at the ceiling. You could still feel the blood on you. Drying on your flesh. You could hear the moment Kylo Ren stepped nearer to you. Your eyes widened and you quickly rolled onto your side, avoiding the kick that would have met your side. You, on your hands and knees, scrambled backwards. The lightsaber lit up the room again, the tip of it directly in front of your face.

"You want to die?" You gulped, slowly shaking your head. "Show me. Show me you want to live." He edged the blade away enough for you to lean forward. For you to lower yourself, your mouth on his bloodied boots. You swiped your tongue along the leather, tasting the tang mixed with a coppery tinge.

"I'm sorry, Lord Ren," you murmured then lapped at his boot again. "Spare my life."

"Rise." You carefully did so, eyeing the blade the entire time. The taste was still on your tongue, and you were nearly consumed by it when Kylo Ren touched the side of your face with the hand that was not holding the hilt of the saber. "Are you such a fool as that?"

"No, sir. I..." You bit your bottom lip for a moment. "I felt as though I betrayed the First Order...betrayed Supreme Leader Snoke...betrayed you...by killing him."

"Dispose of the body. Ensure nothing is left that would implicate the First Order. Only if you succumb to such self-pity will you have betrayed those things."