Stronger Together (bxb) ✔

Chapter 11 - Chase

Possible trigger warning.

Chase's POV

I'm going to kill myself. I've been thinking about it off and on from the time I came out of my coma. I was teetering back and forth between trying to live with how disgusting I am or killing myself and I've decided; I'm going to kill myself.

I know I'll never be able to tell Jesse what happened. Every time he tried to get me to tell him what happened that night he seemed angry and cold. He was angry at me, I'm sure of it. It's like he knew what happened to me and he was angry I let it happen. Even so I tried to push through it and tell him but whenever I tried the words got stuck in my throat.

I'm always surrounded by my brothers but I feel so alone. Yes, I love them and want them to be happy but they have mundane worries. They don't know what I'm going through and I hate them for that. But then I hate myself for hating them because it's my fault they don't know.

I'm pathetic.

Why can't they just know without me saying? What ever happened to twin telepathy? The brotherhood bond?

I thought about writing everything that happened in a letter and giving it to them but I don't want them to know. They'll know how broken I am. They'll see me in a different light. Maybe they'll love me less, not wanting a filthy brother who lets himself get hurt.

It would kill me for them to see me differently; see the pity in their eyes.

No I can't tell them but I need them to know, to help me, but then they'll pity me and I don't want that. I'm so confused. My brain hurts every time I think about telling them.

I thought about going to therapy but the last time I went, for the first few weeks I just sat there staying absolutely silent and willing the ground to open up and swallow me. Then Jesse asked if he could come with me and just sit next to me during a session. I felt way more comfortable with him there and finally started talking to the therapist.

He went with me to my therapy sessions for a week and then I was able to go on my own. But this time I wouldn't have Jesse with me to help me get comfortable with the therapist. I am all alone. I know it's my fault that I'm alone and that hurts even more.

I'm pathetic.

Tears stream down my face as I sit at the desk in my room and start writing the letter;

I'm so sorry! I tried to get past that night but I can't.

I stop writing, should I let them know what happened? I guess I should so they can understand my decision. It might give them closure.

The night I got into the accident, Mike and 3 of his friends raped me.

My hands start shaking as my mind is immediately bombarded with images of that night. I rush to my in suite bathroom hurling the contents of my stomach into the toilet. I really can't do this anymore. I need this pain to end.

I clean up, brush my teeth and return to the table. I take a calming breath and continue.

I thought about telling you everything but I couldn't. I just couldn't get the words out of my mouth. I'm sorry. It's just too much, I can't stop thinking about it. It haunts my every action. I know I may never be the same and you don't deserve a broken brother. You all deserve a brother as perfect as you all are.

Maybe I shouldn't leave them. They really are great brothers and they might not pity me. They might not hate me or think that it's my fault.

These positive thoughts are immediately trampled on by my self doubt and loathing. I'm disgusting, they wouldn't want me, who would?

Thank you for taking care of me for as long as you have. I love each and every one of you; Jesse, Mason, Justin, I love you.

Jesse please don't blame yourself! You didn't know! You couldn't have, I never told you. So it's not your fault. Please, please, please remember that! There's nothing you could have done to change this outcome.

My chest tightens with guilt at how my death might affect Jesse but I really can't go on living like this anymore. There hasn't been a day in the past 5 weeks where I didn't have nightmares, where I didn't feel disgusting and pathetic, where I smiled a genuine smile.

No, I'm already in hell. What awaits me on the other side must be better than this.

And Jesse, promise me that you'll stay away from Mike! No matter what you cannot confront him! I don't want you to get hurt. Please, I'm begging, stay away from Mike. Justin and Mason, you have to look after Jesse!

I need to at least try to protect him. I'm still terrified about what that guy said. That was another reason I couldn't tell anyone. I can't let Jesse get hurt. He can't go through this hell.

I love you all! Don't miss me too much, I'm not worth it.

Chase.

I fold the letter, leaving it in the middle of my desk for them to find later.

Tonight when Jesse is sleeping I will end my life. I've made up my mind.

This chapter is a bit short but it has a very special place in my heart. It was actually the very first chapter that I wrote for this book (obviously it was heavily edited later) but this is where the idea of this book came from.

I hope you enjoy this chapter! ❤

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