Legendary // H.S

43.

'Now is your time and you know where you stand'

*

It's been a while since I've willingly gone to see my friends. You'd think that you'd be able to fall back into the same routine when you reunite with someone you haven't seen for some time, but for me it's the opposite. At the funeral I lost all patience and flipped, probably when I shouldn't have, but the anxiety that had been following me around for weeks finally showed its face. Now, as I sit in the car outside Belly's shop with Harry, that same feeling of dread washes over me. 

Since that day, she's texted me every waking hour. In the mornings I wake to find my phone flooded with messages asking questions I don't know how to answer, and as I rest my weary head on the pillow more tumble in. There's only so much that can be said through a device, and even then I'm not sure what she already knows or not.

The final words I spoke before leaving the funeral have came back to haunt me. Belly has questioned it endlessly. Even Tobias tried to contact me, but I swiftly blocked his number. He lost the right to talk to me. Even if he was blackmailed into joining Hugo's ranks, he's made it abundantly clear that he has no remorse for it. He's shown his true colours. I just hope for the sake of their baby that there is a way out of it for the family.

Then there's Cathy. Radio silence on her end. She's even made sure to book her shifts in the office around when I'm not in. Today I've booked the day off so I can see Belly, meaning Cathy will be there to pick up the work I'll be missing. I haven't even bothered to reach out, though. I feel like my whole world has caved in on me. The walls of trust I built have fallen and now I am vulnerable to attack. I want to believe that Cathy isn't capable of something so evil as to be involved with Hugo, but Joe was also harmless, and look how that ended.

In truth, I've never felt lonelier. Even though I am in constant company with Harry, not being able to escape this world of crime and have a normal conversation with someone that has no idea how corrupt people can be is weighing heavily on me. Before, I still had links to normality. Something that tethered me to a life without danger. But these days I am fully submerged in the perilous reality of my situation. This is my life now.

Still, I don't want to do a disservice to how supportive Harry has been. He's always watched over me since I joined the team, but lately it seems different. More intense. In a good way. He's more attentive than usual, focusing on the smaller aspects of my demeanour. If I so much as sigh in a certain way he picks up on it and doesn't rest until he understands why I'm sighing. Normally, I'd feel suffocated by such an action, but with Harry it's genuine. He's concerned. It feels like he cares.

Perhaps he does. I've practically moved in with him now. Even though my stuff has been set up in the spare bedroom I stay in his bed each night. Most of the time we just lay there. No words spoken. Light touches here and there but it never feels awkward. It's an odd feeling after loathing him for the first couple of months of knowing him. There's something incredibly frustrating about him; he pushes my buttons like no other. Yet there are these moments between us. Weird moments of clarity and understanding, ones where we realise just how similar we are. To be honest, it confuses me. In those instances, it feels like the pieces of the puzzle have fitted together. It's more than just comfort. It's solace.

It could be because all our time is spent together, but then how does that explain the time we spend apart where I wait in anticipation for his car to pull up outside. That face of his is a symbol of safety for me. Protection from the harmful forces around us. Not that I need his protection, I've proven myself to be capable of defending myself. But for some reason I've stopped fighting his desire to look out for me.