Pretty Boy

torment...

Sat in my bed all alone, thinking, watching waiting for the return of your name to suddenly find my screen. You've been away from me for 4 hours and haven't answered me in 2, no big deal, right? You owe me no explanation i'm the best friend with the broken blue eyes, while you're the boy with the eyes full of bright. 

The worst feeling you can feel besides pain in my opinion is jealousy, it makes me feel horrid, dirty, that I could ever look at someone and envy their position makes me feel nauseous. I've never felt jealousy since I was a child till you, the mention of a girl and it sends me into a spiral, who is she and will she have any relevance to us? But that's the even bigger question, is there an us? I am nothing except the best friend, maybe it's because I know the day is waiting for me, the day a perfect skinny blonde girl walks into your life, filling your head with things about me or concerns about me, that you'll pack your bags and leave me stranded with nothing but my darkened head. I constantly push this idea to the back of my head yet it's very vivid the moment you don't answer me, you're with her, yet I don't know who she is because it's a made up image in my head. You swore to never leave my side for a girl but the hours are counting down until you find little miss perfect and I won't be her. I could blame this all in my head I could scream it's because i'm that insecure I am petrified you are going to leave me but is it something completely different, something that I refuse to let myself believe. The feeling of wanting you, needing you in a bigger way then you being my best friend.

Let's face it my head has made up this imaginary girl in my head making me believe you are fucking someone, while I am sat crying in my bed because I am unwell and have no one else to turn to when in reality you are out getting high, having fun without me because I know I worry you and I hate that I do that, trust me but the sensation of featherness takes you away from the stress.

But then the theories run high have, I really fell for the curly headed brunette that  I call my best friend? My friends say that it's more than a like it's love which I refuse to let myself believe , we'll be something in time it's "inevitable" but I don't believe it is what they say, even our families say it yet, I will forever be the annoying best friend that you are un attracted to. I thought I was over this part of my life where I secretly like you and can't tell you, but recalling past events the minute you bring up a girl my heart turns to glass and the feeling of shattering runs full my body, like my deepest wounds are being opened inflicting pain on me and you never know. How do you never know? You're my best friend, am I that good at wearing a mask or are you just too afraid to face it? Do you know how much it hurts me?

The feeling I get in the pit of my stomach when we discuss the girls that has hurt you in the past and the range that rapidly runs through my veins as if I was prepared to hurt someone yet, I can't do that, I am nothing to you and I always will be nothing expect why is it that every small thing you sends me into fits of butterflies. I've sat and repeated on countless of nights " I am nothing to no one, I always have been always will be, I am nothing more than a walking inconvenience, no one would miss me anyway would they?" ,yet you always seen to know what to say and at what time, the nights you held me while I cried, reminding me you're there and not leaving if I go you go, or making me laugh as the tears stream down my face and the breathlessness continues except not as bad as before because some how you make me feel special except, it is only you that can make me feel that way.

Is that why all my relationships turn to shit shows? All my experiences with boys being kind and treating me nicely comes from you, are my standards too high causing me to dislike them or is it because of the pain that I have felt in the past with dickheads and their toxic nature or a mix of both.

Except "friends don't look at friends that way" <the song above> and you sometimes do things which seriously do make me question the feelings you have towards me to but the words still ring in my head the last time we discussed this matter "I am just not attracted to you, work out your feelings yourself" you confuse me so much but...

No matter how much it feels like torture knowing that I like you and theres nothing I can do that will change who I am to match that type of yours is paining except I stand and face it because knowing I can loose you makes everything hurt so much more.

Bee xx(Welcome to the new book, enjoy your stay in my messed up life and thoughts with pretty boy, this book won't hold back so if you are not okay with reading mature sentences or things, this may not be the book for you but if you want to stay for the rest I'll place warnings if I remember, love you all).