Pretty Boy

Pain...

How do you tell someone that you love that you can no longer hold on? The emotional and physical pain, smothering my body is overwhelming, the thoughts clouding my brain and yet all I can think about is the pain I am causing you. Every second of everyday my life gets harder and harder and it's not even just life issues anymore, I am terrified of my own brain now and these thoughts are getting harder and harder to conceal and shut off. Your kind words ease the pain for a second but my nature of not being to cope without you is becoming more toxic than ever right now. I get a second of fresh air, one whole minute to breathe when you are here and then i am thrown straight back in the water where I suffer, back to drowning. The more vulnerable I get the worse it becomes, except I did everything I could possibly do to gain the "I don't care" attitude but that has melted away and I am left with my battling demons once again. 

This is a reoccurring pattern, I some how can never get better, no matter who I speak to, the help I seek and the unhealthy coping mechanisms I have dealt with the only person who can help is you. What then can I do when I know myself the timer on my back is running out. That the pain is too much, you believe i'm strong but I am fading away in front of my own eyes. I love you with every aspect of me but the struggle is a harder fight then I thought it would ever be. I have got to many stages when battling depression and even though I have been in worse situations, why is this battle so much harder to do? I have been strong for you these past few years but I do not know how much I can take. The note is ready because I can't bare to even think about leaving you without anything. I have tried on several occasions to push away from you, at this point I've looked for ways for you to leave me so that you don't have to witness this pain, I don't want you to leave but right now I feel as though that is the only option to get rid of this pain that is driving me insane.

I love you with all my heart and you know I do too but you can never be happy for as long as I am here, for this is why I have to go. I've brought you, pain, pleasure, love, happiness, sadness, every emotion under the sun and for some I am not proud of, you've witnessed me at my hardest times and my easiest and happiest moments but now you've seen enough. You don't need to watch the fragile glass smash in front of you and you don't especially need the pain I am dragging you through. My happiest moments is waking up with you still cuddled beside me with a tight grip and I am hoping that will forever be your last memory of me because at that time I am imperfectly perfect, the innocence still there before I awaken and turn into a beast. Always remember the boops on the nose and the kisses on the forehead, remember when I hold your hand down the street because I don't want to leave your side and I just need the comfort of you are not going to walk away, remember everything that I have ever done for you, remember my drunken mistakes and the needs of just needing one peck on the lips (which I will declare now I needed to feel something, to feel like someone wanted me, to feel like someone actually needed me, just to feel good for one second and you were the only one to bring that to me.) but most of all remember that I love You.

This isn't easy to write and it never was going to be, as the tears pour down my face and I hope you know I am trying my best but the clock is also ticking, I hope you can forgive me and I hope you will love me forever but for now I must go. I can't put you through this any longer and for that. I love You forever pretty boy but it's coming to an end.

I am still alive and this was written a few days ago but once again he convinced me to stay but thought the love I have should be shared about the boy I love.