Pretty Boy

Love...

The overwhelming fear of something that you have wanted for a long time can be a funny thing. Every time he asked I denied. I didn't want to rush him or for him to push me away so I lied. We don't lie to each other but there was something about keeping away the fact I have loved him since the day I met him, felt like the only exception. The small talks, the innocent smiles and the tight hugs are just some of the little things that make me complete, except the words left my mouth quicker then I could stop them on this night. The love and affection, the jealousy and the hard work of secrets all came tumbling out one by one, the things only the girls would know but I didn't expect them to leave my lips and especially not to him.

I spent 2 and a half years running from something I desired, something that made me whole and complete, the one thing that was there with me very step of the way. I couldn't admit it, it would damage how far we have come. My jealousy was out of control expect I never let that show, I hate the feeling the jealousy, the anger building up inside you of something you have no control of. There were 4 main girls that made my heart ache at the mention of their name and made me question why I wasn't one of them.

For the past few years I wondered, why I was not good enough for him, what could I do to make myself prettier, skinnier, more loving all around, I shouldn't have been looking at the changes I needed to make myself because I am me and there is no changing that. For the first time in months when them words left my mouth I felt relieved honestly, I was scared to admit the things you had said, that felt like a knife shattering my heart but I told you them any way, to make you understand how much I had been torturing myself with the ongoing secret of falling in love with my best friend.  

I created this "book" as a safe place for me to write about him, to get out everything that I couldn't say out of my system so that I was right for the next day but it never seemed to be enough. I just wanted to be held in your arms, loved and adored until the day I die expect the emotional wall forming was getting higher and higher because I knew he didn't have them emotions that I was feeling and if he did, I didn't know. The journey in my head was getting longer, one day he will leave, the girl will not accept me because lets face it who trusts the girl best friend, I was having the hardest time accepting one day I was going to be one my own.

Except that word vomit didn't give me the answer I thought he was going to, I told him why I cry about the same shit as I did when I was drunk and why there was a reoccurring theme in topic when a certain idea came into play but the secret was making its way to the surface. When I told him, I expected him to shove me off, tell me that it would never happen and that we needed distance, which would kill me inside out, except he never. He took me into his arms and explained his side, I gained the answers I had been looking for these past few years. 

Which leads to now 71 days till I figure out what he's have been planning, all my life I wanted to find the person I was to spend the rest of my life with at an early age, that had been engraved in my head. My Mam and Dad found each other at 16 and 18, my nana and Granda found each other at 18 and 21. I was hoping and begging that I would find my happy ending. After many mistakes of running back to the same two boys, I finally learnt my lesson, wait it out. The minute he came into my life, the idea that is was a possibility to spend the rest of my life with the pretty brunette who was my best friend became a growing factor in my life. I started to become loyal without realising, no matter how much I put myself out there for others I would always, always run back to him.

No one ever made me feel the love he gave me. From holding me while I cried to laughing until i nearly wet myself every single factor leading up to the realisation moment of Fuck I love him will be something that I treasure forever and I never want to let go of. So the count down awaits, what will he do. He gave me a set of hints, gathering together, it can be done in public but he wants it to be private and it's a physical present without it being a physical present which my head can only lead to one thing and if it's the one thing I am hoping of I am never going to let go.

I repeated one line to you throughout the time we've spent together and that was "what you're looking for might be right in front of your eyes" and I hope it's finally our time.

I love you more then words can describe and I have for so long as well as knowing for so long just unwilling to admit it because thats when you can get hurt  but I love you 3000 always and forever. And if it isn't the answer you always and forever will be my best friend because that is how we started meaning that is how we'll stay.