Coming Back Home

Chapter 13

The somber mood going to the hospital was all too apparent as Bin drove Yejin to her third round of chemo. Noting that this was the second time that he would accompany her, he braces himself to the same feeling that threw him off that first time. He remembers how he had this sense of bravado coming in, focusing on just assisting Jinnie for whatever she needs. Fear though seeps in from time to time along with helplessness, both seemingly bent on taking over his emotional state. Aware that it can be so easy to just wallow in those feelings, he accepts that this time with her will always be an intentional effort to be here and now. There should be no room for the uncertainties of tomorrow. She is alive and fighting for her and their family today. That should be enough for now.

The whole drive to the hospital, which took 30 minutes, he constantly checked on her, adjusting the temperature and sneaking a glance at her to see how she was doing. He noticed that she would take deep breaths from time to time, mostly looking out the window seemingly lost in thought. He would ask her how she was doing and predictably, she would give him a tiny smile and say she's okay.

By the time they get to the hospital, Bin makes himself useful the only way he knows how. He carries her bag and small snack bag, making sure he has a hand free in case she needs help. Yejin allows him to take everything from her except her shawl which she carries in her arm. To an outsider, they look like a normal lovely couple. She was wearing a white loose top over comfortable dark jeans and loafers while he matches her with a darker shade of denim and a black shirt. Nobody can guess the feeling of dread both carry as they march towards the treatment room.

As soon as they enter the room, they were greeted with a lot of enthusiasm by the regulars.

"Jinnie dear! I was wondering if we would have our treatment at the same time this week. I needed you to finish the funny story you wanted to tell me last month." Jae-won shouted from across the room. She was a woman in her 50s, elegantly dressed and decked with jewelry, who finished her round of treatment but kept going back to chat with her friends.

"Stop hogging Jinnie's attention Jae-wonssi! She's about to start her drips, can't you see?" This time, Myung Sun, a short statured wise looking elderly woman, tried to speak, albeit weakly, as she herself was seated across where Yejin was assigned.

Yejin slowly approached Myung Sun and touched her hand asking, "Ahjumma, how are you doing today? "

"Not too well this week Jin. How about you? Are you scared still?"

Yejin nodded in response and both held each hand, reassuring the other. "Last night, I couldn't sleep and that thing you told me. The one where a dozen what ifs buzz through your mind? I had those.......But I'm trying to be brave today Ahjumma. See? ." She gives her a smile - that eye smile that dazzles even the hardest of hearts.

As Bin observed the exchange, he feels a heaviness in his chest and is humbled by how this illness brings out so much authenticity. Strangers become confidants, the sacred space in the hospital their own version of a confession room where they welcome the truth about their pains. He is somehow glad that his Jinnie feels supported and needed here. Bin knows that there are nooks and crannies in her mind and heart that he can never understand nor reach. Like this fear that she just opened up to a person she barely knew. It's been three years since their divorce, maybe five even, if you would count the last two years of their marriage, when he has created that chasm that took away his right to be the closest person in her life. She has bloomed into an even more beautiful person since, and he has accepted his rightful place in the sideline, a friend at the most, but not her partner and lover anymore.

Jinnie then settles down and the ritual begins, Nurse Hye Jin inserts the needle as she chats her up, trying to convey her reassurance with the routine and mundaneness of the treatment. Through it all, Yejin's grace and gratitude shows as she accepts the nurse's ministrations.