Coming Back Home

Chapter 16

Even in her 30s, Yejin still finds it hard to have a decent conversation with her father. Having just ended a call from her parents who were still in LA, she had to pace back and forth, to calm herself down. A habit she learned in her teens. Right now, Yejin was waiting for her daughter, who at 13, now refuses to let her mother buy her clothes. She needed to have the new boyfriend jeans, she has been nagging her mom for the past 2 weeks. Mi Cha was now inside the fitting room in a trendy clothing store and half of Yejin's brain was tuned in to her, as she would usually holler once she fits the jeans, needing her mother's approval. The other half of her frazzled brain was trying, but desperately failing, to ease her nerves. Her parents have, once more, eaten into her, having had exchanged messages with them the past few days.

"You must have been eating poorly?"

"That cancer must be bad karma."

"Why must you be sick at this time?"

As usual, she could not answer back. Blame it on her upbringing or culture or maybe despite all that she has gone through, she was not strong enough to fight for herself. All her self-doubt and self-judgment came rushing back full force. Before she knew it, she could feel a knot in her throat which she knew would lead to an onslaught of tears. Yejin knows that she is her own worst enemy. History has proven that.

"Eomma, what do you think?"

Saved by Mi Cha's interruption, she quickly reverted to mommy mode, albeit half baked. She was distracted and unable to follow her daughter's usual chatter. Poor Mi Cha, who must have felt her emotional state, decided to tune out as she took out her earphones and started to listen to music.

When Bin came by to meet up for dinner along with Joon, he noticed how quiet the two were. He took the shopping bags where their purchases were and looked at Yejin who gave him a strained smile that didn't reach her eyes. Her daughter, who was usually chatty, silently walked on the other side and shrugged when he asked what was going on with her mom.

"You both okay Jinnie?"

She looks at him, her eyes sad and quietly sighs. And with that, he gets what always triggers this mood with her.

Dinner was a stilted affair. Yejin's energy, or the lack thereof, resonated with everyone and gadgets were an easy way of distracting the kids from minding what was obvious. Bin decided to give Yejin the space to settle down. He knew she was probably all mixed up.

Upon reaching home, Yejin quickly got out and rushed to bed. She somehow managed to tell Bin that she wasn't feeling well and that she needed to rest early. Sleep didn't offer her refuge and so, she allowed her thought to stray to the past and unfold again...

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It was on their 8th year of marriage when things shifted for Yejin. The kids were spending more time in school - Mi Cha was in her 2nd grade while Joon was about to enter grade school. Her life revolved around her family and supposedly taking care of herself. Me time. Tons of me time. Her productivity didn't feel like it led to any progress in her life. At the same time, she had this nagging guilt about where her thoughts were starting to stray.

"How can you be so ungrateful Yejin?"

"You should be happy. Others would love to have your life.."

"That's what's wrong with you. You're never satisfied."

"Nothing is ever good enough for you. You don't deserve your family."

The more that the thoughts festered in her mind, the more that she withdrew and curled up inside. She felt like a robot on autopilot.

On one of the rare days where she had lunch with her college friends, she carefully fixed herself because she knew that even if she was merely a housewife who never finished college, she looked pretty enough. She shopped the week before and bought a pretty dress from an expensive specialty boutique, applied some light make up, and other accessories which conveyed subtle elegance. As she checks herself in the mirror, she whispers to herself, "you may not be anything but at least you look like an expensive package."