Coming Back Home

Chapter 17

The years after his divorce have taught Bin the value of patiently waiting. Soon as he signed the divorce papers, he knew that the only way to survive life without his wife would be to think of it as the start of THE LONG WAIT. In the meantime, he needed to prepare and work on himself - to be a better man. So when the time comes and she sees the good in him again, he knows how worthy he is to be loved by her. Tonight was not an exception.

As he sits silently on the couch, nursing a beer, in the room he has occupied for the past four months, he allows some worries to eat him up. He is reminded of the first years of knowing her and seeing how her family issues have affected her. Often, he feels helpless, not knowing what to do except to just be present for her. Whatever she needs.

How could he have forgotten how fragile she can be when it comes to her parents? How could he have thought that marriage could miraculously change and heal her emotional wounds?

His time in therapy has not completely resolved how upset he feels at himself at the thought of how much he has taken her for granted.  

The knock on the door took him out of his revelry and Yejin comes in timidly.

"Bin? You still up?"

Bin stands up and Yejin approaches. He rubs her back as a way to comfort her.

"How are you?"

"Gwenchana. You worry too much about me." Yejin gestures for him to sit back again in the couch.

"Let me start by saying sorry. Mihane, Bin." She takes a deep breath, her eyes glistening with tears. " I know that my decisions have hurt you. Maybe I .... maybe I didn't fight for us enough, or talk to you when things started to get tough for me. I was thinking through the lenses of this hurt child I can't completely let go of. And when you started to drink more often, I just keep getting reminded of Appa and all the baggage that came with that."

"I appreciate what you're saying Jinnie but I also failed you. I didn't take care of you the way I did before. I was too caught up with work..."

Yejin places her fingers gently on his lips to silence him.

"This is my turn Bin. You have apologized to me too many times and I guess I just accepted that and avoided looking at my part. My own responsibility in this mess between us. Okay?"

He takes her hand and kisses it gently, holding it tight in his hand, telling her without any words that he is here and he will never let go.

"In the beginning, I was happy being your wife Bin. I liked that world that we built around us - you, me and Mi Cha. Both of you were my everything and coming from a really sad home, I thought that this is what all I needed. Then we had Joon and it was so easy to just lose myself there. But then, the kids grew and they spent more and more time apart from me.  I started to question my worth and my purpose in life. You were going somewhere and I felt just stuck folding everyone's clothes and washing everyone's dishes. It seemed that everyone was set to be some place except me. And I felt so ashamed of feeling that way.."

Feeling her sadness, he rubs his fingers over hers. Yejin continues.

"I tried to stop my head from thinking those thoughts. I reminded myself, I don't have any reason to complain. I had a husband who worked hard, the kids were healthy, we had a house. I had everything that should make me happy. I hated myself because the more I tried to stop myself from thinking that way, the more it grew until I couldn't contain it anymore. I was sad all the time. I was angry at you and I was angry at myself. What's worse is that, instead of reaching out and talking to you about it, I just withdrew partly because I was scared that you would not understand me and partly because I just felt helpless most of the time. Some days, I believed that I deserved to be miserable and this is my punishment for hating my life. Just like what Appa always said, I'm absolutely worthless"