Journal of the Broken

4 - Mirror, mirror

14/2/2021

I've had quite a lot of different experiences with mirrors. Mirrors are weird, but powerful. They can show you your insecurities. They reflect them onto you.

The first time I looked into a mirror after getting all messed up, it was... quite something. The bathroom mirror is where it all went down. Every time I looked at it, I stared. I stared, I stared and I stared some more... The way people stare into your soul. There was nothing there. There was no soul. That person, that thing... it was nothing. I stared into its eyes and it was empty. No matter how long I stared, how deeply I went inside. It was all gone. I was all gone...

Well, some time passed, and I got used to the empty. I got used to the absence of a soul, and it even made me a bit psychotic. I would stare into the mirror, but this time I felt warmth radiating from my chest, as I saw the bloodlust in those eyes. I was a killer. And I had no regrets. I saw blood being spilled, knives being inserted into chests. I felt it, even. And I loved the pain. There was nothing I loved more than the blood and the pain. The monster within me, I had made peace with it. I tamed it. I became it. That monster, it was me...

Now, I'm kind of messing up my timeline here, but that's alright. Time has become meaningless these days. Things are getting hard to remember. Sometimes, I confuse the past with the future, and the future with the now...

I'm getting distracted.

Sometime in between these events, and afterwards too... or was it before? I'm not sure.
I've felt dissociated. Looking into the mirror would not show any reflection of me. Well, you could say that regarding my first mirror story too, but this was different.  Sometimes I would look into the mirror, -- and there was a person there, yes -- but that person, it wasn't me. We weren't connected in any way. They were different. That was someone else in there, it had to be. Our movements didn't even match up. Whatever I would do, it didn't feel like it was a reflection. The person in there, their movements were delayed. They were imitating me. Trying to become me. It didn't work. Well, I don't think it did. I haven't seen them in a while...

I've had this happen multiple times before, though. And after. They weren't all the same. This last one, instead of it trying to become me, I think I was becoming them. I felt it. I looked into the mirror, and I saw my future. This boring, hopeless idiot, mocking me every single time. Showing me what I was about to become. I hated him. I hated him with all my heart, and I did my best to prevent the transformation.

But there was no point in that. I had already started to become this. I can try looking into the mirror now, but it doesn't get me anywhere. I can't look at it. I look away. I'm looking away. Even a glimpse fills me with resentment and disgust. I feel so weird. So grossed out that I get this awkward feeling in my stomach. This is me now. I don't want this to be me. I was fine being the monster I was, but now that seems so long ago.. I'm not sure I can get it back. Help me. Somebody, help me find me back. Save me. Break me, so I can become that which I deserve to be. 'Cus I have become the very thing I swore to destroy.

I have become human...