Journal of the Broken

5 - To Commune

- 'Notes About Me' -
A story

20/2/2021

I'm sorry. My last entry was all over the place. But that's because I'm all over the place. My head is never silent.

I have started talking to myself. Sometimes I get concious about it, and I tell myself to stop. But that creates a loop. I argue with myself over how I should stop talking, while talking about how I should stop talking to myself.

I know, it's funny. And annoying.

Sometimes I create timelines of how I've felt in life. What "stages" I've been through. The last entry was a sketch of one of those timelines.

But my timeline isn't very linear. And definately not complete. I lost any sense of time around a year and a half ago. I can't tell what was when, how long it lasted, or what the chronological order is of certain events. All that has become a blur to me.

And don't forget about my memory. My memory gets worse and worse by the day. Simple things and small details, or important appointments I have to go to, I forget them all. Ofcourse that gets in the way of creating a timeline of any kind.

So time is not a thing I follow. If you ask me anything about the past, give me a minute to think about it. And preferably any reference you can give. Small details help too.

I did say I forget a lot, but sometimes it's the details I remember. "They had a twix bar in their hand.", things like that. It isn't very practical. Every time I try to explain a past event, all I can hold onto are those small details that no one even notices. Eventually I give up.

Telling stories also becomes a problem. I always feel like I have to give all the context there is, and every single detail I still remember, for no obvious reason. So I can ramble on for ages, and as I said earlier, my story isn't going to be very chronological. I keep backtracking to point out a very important part of the story, because I get distracted by the littlest of details.

And apparently I use the word "like" a lot, like, a lot.

I probably do that when I have to think about what I'm going to say, or when I feel like I haven't clarified something well enough. Which I do a lot, since my stories are always a mess.

Because my mind is a mess.

Some say it makes my stories more fun to listen to, because they're so chaotic, I suppose.

But I can tell most people don't follow, and really would like me to shut up. Then, when I do eventually shut up, there's a sharp silence. That silence always hurts, like, a lot.

Don't worry, I think I feel something more personal coming on.

Because I feel like people hate me so much, I've recently been holding back. But I do it sitting next to a person I actually want to tell so much. I want to tell them everything. I should stop holding back.

But I can't. At first, I was scared of messing up, so I kept silent. But now I can't talk anymore. As much as I'd like to, I can't open my mouth when being with them. And it brings me so much pressure.

They have even pointed it out. They said I don't even talk. But they didn't say it in a worrying way. They said it like they were uninterested in me.

You see, I haven't known them for too long. They haven't seen the old me, the true me. And I regret that.

Because when they talk, I have to respond. And the pressure of wanting to talk but not being able to, suddenly getting released, makes me burst out something I never wanted to say. Something I regret saying.

So either way, I'll regret it afterwards.

Because after saying what I had not wanted to say, the regret closes my mouth again, and the pressure returns. I can't make up for what I said. I have to deal with it now.

And they think this is me...

It's like blowing air into a balloon, holding your fingers on the opening to prevent the air from flowing out, and releasing it for just a second before holding it closed again. A fucking tease.

I also use metaphors to explain things now. It's way easier. The best metaphors slip out naturally. Thinking about them makes it more complicated, and that's not the point of using metaphors.

Metaphors are also a more general language. People get to understand the situation better. Maybe they have lived through the same metaphor, and just like that they immediately know what you're talking about. I like it when people do. It makes me feel more connected. And finding a good metaphor makes me feel more connected to myself.

But ofcourse, not everyone gets all metaphors. For me, it helps me place myself in someone's shoes. Even mine.

--- Considering I experience most things in third person, I have to use metaphors to place myself in my own shoes to understand myself. If I talk more about this, I'll forget what I was saying and will have to backtrack again, like in most of my stories, so I'll come back to this later. ---

But some tend to take these metaphors literally, and look at me like I'm crazy. Which I am, but for the wrong reasons. When they don't understand a metaphor, they don't ask. They assume. And most of the time, they miss a lot of important context.

So that's disappointing.

But it's time to connect some of these dots.

Third person. That's what I said. I experience things in third person. Maybe not right this second, but I do when I think back of the past, or imagine the future. Note that 'one second ago' also counts as "the past", and 'in a second' counts as "the future". So I can say something, and immediately regret it, as I realise I'm delivering the wrong message. And then I think about what I should say.

But the other person doesn't wait for you to think - they don't know what you're thinking about, and don't realise you're thinking, so they have no reason to wait - and they respond before you're done. So what happens is, you forget what you're thinking about, and blurt out something else, which you immediately start to regret again. And you have no chance to actually send the message you intended to bring at first.

Okay, I just realised I switched to second person this time...

Apparently I do that too, sometimes. I forgot.

Well, I don't feel like researching that at the moment. I think this is enough for now.

I suppose this entry is less "recent events", and more "notes about me". I act like I'm introducing myself to someone. A journal. But a journal can't read itself. It doesn't think. It doesn't need to know me, so why am I doing this exactly?

Well, I'm talking to a journal now. I have officially lost my mind...