Journal of the Broken

2 - Stabwound

19/12/2020

So around a year and a half ago, something happened. Ever since that day I felt this deep pain, it was like a knife embedded into my chest, stuck, after being sliced with right through the heart. This year, all of that has been repeating, with one difference; the deed has been left unfinished. The knife hasn't cut in deep enough, and it is still hanging there.

So there must be a solution, right? Why can't I pull it out?

I have tried, but I am not strong enough. My mind, and my desire, lean on the pain of the stab wound, and want to finish the job. That is the solution in mind. The only way I know how to fix this.

Afterall, you musn't pull out the weapon from a stab wound, as you will bleed out. By leaving it in, it's blocking the blood from pouring out, and you have more time to hang on. To stay strong.

But we have no time to look into the medical details.

The only way to fix this, is to finish the job. There is no one there to tend to my wounds, but the person who created them. And I can't let anyone in. Not anymore. So this really is the only way.

I've been wanting to go back to the days where I felt nothing but that pain deep down into my chest. The days where I was numb, and pain was the only way out. Pain, without love. Pain, can't get enough. Pain, I like it rough. 'Cus I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all...

But I can't controll the knife. Someone else is holding it. You'd think, that they wouldn't mind me slicing further in, right? But fact is, they don't realise what they're doing. They don't know that they are hurting me. In fact, they are there to help. To tend to the wounds. But those wounds are of their creation, and they have no idea. Their help is only making me feel, and highering the pain. They are the cause of my problems. They are the voice in my head. The voice I have regrettably agreed to talk to. The voice I have tried to ignore, but has stayed haunting me. Yet they stil don't realise...

I could either strengthen the connection, or I could cut the cord. The latter has been my idea for a while now, but I am unsure of how to deal with it. This is the reason I got over it last year, but back then the connection was lost not by me, but by other forces. This time, it is my choice to make. And I am not great at making decisions.

If I cut them out, I am scared they will acknowledge. That was originally what I wanted, for them to acknowledge me, but it won't help with my wounds. I will let my guard down, and soon enough the wounds will only end up bigger. If they realise I am not there, they might think they are the reason I left. And they would be right, but for the wrong reasons. I want them to know why, but it's also impossible for them to do so. If I told them, they might be the ones cutting my cord, which would technically be the better way out, but I don't want them to dislike me. I want them to remember. Remember with good memories. And that is just too much to ask for.

So instead, I let go of the knife, and let it go on it's own path. They will decide, unknowingly, how to finish me off. I let the pain take over, let Them take the steering wheel. Let's see what the future has in store for me.