Everything She Wanted

23 Doing the Distance

I had no idea when Jaxx would arrive or when he would be able to message me, or if he would still message me at all because of my stupidity. But I owed him an explanation and I did not like how we parted. It wasn't supposed to be like that.

I was supposed to be crying, yes, but not because of regret. But we can't change things now. I lost something I could not regain or mend. The only thing that made it worth it was that it was with some that I loved and who loved me back. It meant something to both of us.

I had been battling the voice in my head that made me feel filthy and disgusting because I engaged in pre-marital sex. The stern voice of my conscience did not listen to reason. It detested me because I was now tarnished and unworthy.

Ganoon ba kasama ang nagawa ko? Was what I did really that disgraceful? Does it really make me less worthy to be loved because I'm already impure? Was a woman only really worth her virtue?

I was becoming philosophical with myself, arguing with myself that what happened was okay. But even if I had succeeded in all my reasoning, the trump card was the dogma that I had been living in and not being able to fulfill my commitment to myself. In the end, I never won with my conscience, but at least it was now more merciful with me.

I cried myself to sleep for the next two nights because I missed Jaxx so much and because I was sorry that I regretted what happened.

On the third night, Jaxx finally called me on Facetime. It was eight in the morning in Philadelphia, nine in the evening in Manila. I panicked on the first two rings: did I look ok? Of course not, mukha akong bruha!

I quickly combed my hair, changed my shirt and swiped a little lip gloss as if it really made a difference. I plugged the earphones and set the phone on my desk. With one last check that I looked presentable, I answered the call.

"Thank god you picked up. I was afraid you wouldn't." he was so relieved. He was wearing a baseball cap and white crewneck shirt. He was walking around the house or wherever he was. He settled his phone on a countertop and sat down with a cup in his hand. Goodness, I miss him so much!

"How are you, love?" he smiled sadly.

"I've been better. I've been missing you endlessly." I sniffled.

It was true kahit na kinakain ako ng buhay ng konsensya ko, I really still missed him. It wasn't entirely his fault naman kasi. Mas may kasalanan ako because I encouraged him. But all this pushing and pulling within myself was taking a toll on me and I really did not know what to do.

Dammit! Wala pang isang minuto iyak na agad? Pull yourself together, Cara!

"I miss you too. I'm glad I'm not the only one." This time his smile was happier albeit it did not reach his eyes.

Crickets.

Oh god, when did we get so awkward?