Everything She Wanted

08 Netflix and Platonic

The next several days, I could not get my thoughts of Grace and Jaxx out of my head. Why did I feel what I felt? Ano ba ito, nagseselos ba ako? Pero bakit ba ako magseselos? I had no right! Wala namang kami, at malabong magkaroon.

So, once again, Cara, you have to stop this nonsense! I kept on reminding myself.

I really should move on from Jaxx. Ten years. Tama na Cara. Nagka-boyfriend nga ako, asshole naman. Then there was the almost-lover in med school, but I was too busy helping a heartbroken Seb that time I put my love life on hold. Or maybe I wasn't ready? Then I think I said 'no', di ko talaga maalala. I still thought about Vince occasionally, but it wasn't as often as I thought about Jaxx, and the intensity of the feelings was also to a lesser degree.

Even when I was in med school, I kept on comparing all my suitors to Jaxx, how they weren't as funny or how they weren't as charming. Or how they weren't as smart or as reckless. I was hungover Jaxx but he was still hungover with Grace at that time. After five years, hindi pa rin sya over kahit na everyone knew pinaglalaruan lang sya and pinapa-asa sa wala. Since the day na naging sila, she was a constant in his life.

She constantly made him miserable, she constantly broke his heart, and yet he constantly hooked up with her when she was around. He was endlessly drawn to her like a moth to a flame, even though he knew of the consequences. He was frustrating to deal with the next years after their break-up. He played around and still went back to her with a snap of her fingers.

Whenever I think of their toxic relationship I can't help but think of Bruno Mar's Grenade. Because it was true, he would have caught a grenade for her and he was willing to put his hands on a blade for her. But she just watched him burn in the flames she herself ignited. Repeatedly, na parang sirang plaka ... sirang plaka ...sirang plaka.

Hindi ko maalaa ang exact moment na tumigil syang maging tanga para kay Grace. Kung ano man ang nangyari or kung nabagok ba ng malakas ulo nya, basta isang araw natauhan sya and we were very thankful. But despite that, she still lingered and they still hang out whenever Grace was in Manila. He said it was just as friends, but we knew their relationship had the benefits clause.

He wasn't the same Jaxx, though. He was scarred, and his heart was closed off. It will probably take some time before he would open up again and I had this insane notion na baka pwedeng ako ang babaeng magturo sa kanyang mag mahal ulit. But I guess that was what it was: an insane notion without basis.

Hindi naman ganito ka lala yung feelings ko for him before I took this gap year. But because araw-araw na kami halos magkasama and we got to know each other even more – the quirks, mood swings, pet peeves, how to handle each other if it was a bad day – all these things made our relationship more intimate and kahit na magkaiba ang aming mundo – he worked in the corporate and IT world and I in the medical field – we were able to make our own little corner in the universe, unwittingly.

We shared some special moments na kaming dalawa lang. We bonded over beer and chips or coke with isaw, we were able to share long comfortable silences with each other, nag ne-Netfilx and literal chill kami at his condo when I'd be bored and he is too tired to go out. Parang kami na, but platontic.

Dammit, Cara, akala ko ba tapos na tayo dito? Haven't we decided na we won't pursue him anymore? I shook my head to cut my train of thoughts; it was getting depressing.