i have amnesia. there is not a lot that i remember. i have made peace with that. i still have flashes, still images that i can keep. last year will remain a mystery, as i only have four flashes. here they are:
-rollerskates by the radiator in the hall at about 8am, sun has risen, the walls are still green and the sun is light honey coloured. i'd woken early and there was a certain scent about the house. the morning was young and felt like memories, the vague but pleasant ones of sleepovers at my grandparents. the roses on the rollerskates are neat and the white leather is clean. the green of the walls feels like spring and the freedom of making choices for the better. it makes me happy, feeling like one day i will be carefree and smiling with joy in my heart and eyes as well as my face.
-a very hot day, checkmate by malorie blackman in my hands, under the shade of a small tree with a large shade and thick leaves, at a lake close by. i feel at home on the water when i am on it, and i feel contented reading in the shade when i am there. i remember that as a good day. the water was blue, vibrant and idyllic. the grass was in perfect condition and the epitome of summer. the tree's shade shielded me from the sun's fury but exposed me to its joyous, comfortable warmth and light. i felt soft and mellow.
-in my back garden, hot day, i have pink hair and i'm playing catch with my dad using a dirty white volleyball. i think it might be VE day. i wear a navy top and shorts with a tropical pattern. my brother sits on the rusted swing and my cat basks in the sunshine from a plantpot containing flowered foxglove. my hip length hair has recently been dyed a dark pink that makes my green eyes look radioactive. there is cheering and shouting from all directions. the day overflows with a sense of victory and celebration. i decide to like it.
-around 6pm in my back garden, i'm reading the book thief in a green camp chair. the church bells ring for seven after what feels like ten minutes. at some point the sun sets. i don't watch it, but i feel the light change. it ranges through dusky pastels that induce nostalgia. the evening is warm and welcoming, reminding me of the song a dustland fairytale or runaways. everything feels as though it has been drained of its colours but in a good way. as though the noise and calamity of vibrance has been lifted away and replaced with the enveloping calmness of dusk. as though the loud and searing radiances have been muted by a blanket of soft tranquility. i think it's just what i needed.
