i am in love with mystery. the unknown captivates me, and i so desperately wish to be mysterious myself. it's what drives me to create a new identity and a new life. this world is so big, and i want to have enough time to explore it. i want to buy a VW van and hit the road. maybe i'll do it with a friend or lover, or maybe i'll go solo. slip off of the map for a year. meet people. maybe i'll just grab flights and train seats, take buses to new countries. there is so much i want to do, and so little time. my father is always pushing to do things, and now i see why. he does not want to let his years slip by like my days do. i detest myself for my habits, but it seems impossible to fix. i could become a traveller, or a hippie. wear flowers in my hair and avoid judgement. but, now i really think, what if i don't want a family? what if i just marry, and have someone i love to adventure with, to grow old with, join in eternity alongside. i know i will need someone, because solitude loses attractiveness after a while. children tie you down, settle you down, and while some people want that, i'm not so sure. we would have to live in one house, stay rooted. i don't know if i want that. and now i worry, because what if i fall in love and that want kids? what is they want to settle down and live that way? what if i can't run away? i think, that then, it might just be easier to fall out of love, and prevent restlessness that results in bad decisions in the long run.
