i imagine death. but, i don't imagine the reality if dying, i imagine returning as a spirit. all of the things that i owned in life would be somehow converted into ghostly forms. i would do things that i used to when i was alive, like out on my rollerskates and head down to harrison. i'd skate laps like i always do, watch the teenagers in black and the basketball court, the footballers who have long since gotten used to the small girl on skates. i'd pass through, unseen, and feel a sense of nostalgia. but it would have some perks. i wouldn't be able to get hurt, so i could try all the tricks i like. i could take a walk in the dark and not fear for my life. sit on the promenade that played such a big role while i was alive. i could watch as the people i loved loved on, created families, carved out lives. sophie would settle down somewhere near home, or move to wales. my brother would grow, mature, graduate university with a degree in mathematics, just like our father. he would find someone he loves, and get his dream job. i know he can do it. my parents would miss me, but they'd stay strong for joe. they'd grow old, and, eventually, join me. i don't actually think they'd choose to become ghosts. they would pass on. i would see all of the pets and the people that i had loved and lost. and i'd hope that she'd remember me, but move on. all of these things would happen, and i could watch from afar. maybe the people who used to hate me would go on living that way, but maybe some would notice and think: 'oh, so that's what was going on.' maybe people who half knew me, would wonder what the fuck had happened. for such a 'happy' girl to deteriorate so much. i'd sit in lessons, after riding my old bus. i'd check on my teachers.
death does not seem so horrible anymore.
