Falling into Summer

Chapter 29

Dear Journal,

It has been three months since I last heard from Carter... and I have no idea why. The last time I saw him, he had dropped me off after we spent the day jet skiing, and Leah and his sister were coming into town for the weekend. He'd told me he'd call me after they left and we'd hangout but when I didn't hear from him by the following Wednesday, I tried calling him. When I got his voicemail, I left a message, and actually wondered if I remembered when Leah was leaving accurately. But when a week went by and I still hadn't heard from him, I started to fear the worse. I tried calling him a couple of times, but he'd never call me back... that's when I realized he was avoiding me. After another week of ignored phone calls, unanswered emails, and crying myself to sleep, I finally gave up, and I've been completely heartbroken ever since.

I know I shouldn't, but I miss him... desperately. I miss the way he made me laugh, how we teased and joked with each other, how honest we were with one another... the way he looked at me... the way he touched me... the way he kissed me. I don't know what I did to make everything change, but if I could, I'd take it all back. I just wish everything could go back to the way it was before he ever went to Virginia.

When it rains outside, he's who I think of... When I can see the stars so clearly in the night sky, he's who I think of... It's like he's a ghost... I have nothing tangible to remind me of him, no pictures, no gifts, no mementos, so he exists only in my memories.

I don't know what to do now. It's like he took a piece of my heart... a piece of my soul... leaving a hole in the center of my being that can't be filled by another. I feel like a shell of a person now... Like he helped me discover this new person within me, and then took her with him when he drove off that day... and now I'm left with this person I don't recognize. How does one move on from this kind of brokenness? How could I be so sure, only to be so completely wrong about someone? Did he ever really care about me... Could he have loved me, if even just for a little while? Will he haunt me for the rest of my life... Will I ever experience love like that again?

Now the only time I hear about Carter is from my mother. A couple of weeks after our last day together, my mother told me that Sarah told her that Carter was moping around the house all depressed and hibernating in his room. I remember when I heard this, it sounded like he was getting over a breakup. When I asked if he and Leah were still together, my mother said that Sarah said they were, despite their constant fighting, and that Carter had been talking about moving back to Virginia... I figured so he could try to make things work with her. But then my mother told me that Carter listens to the song "Picture" by Kidd Rock constantly... and for a split second I wondered if it had anything to do with me... but I don't let myself hope for any length of time, because then when I return to reality, it hurts all that much more.

To make matters worse, I haven't seen or talked to Sarah since everything ended with Carter. Losing Sarah in this makes me want to hate him. When I think about how he showed me a life I could be happy in, and then how he took it all away... it makes me wish I'd never met him... But then I know that's just my anger... I don't hate him, I love him, and if I love him unselfishly, I should want him to be happy... even if it's not with me. Because I love him, and don't hate him, is why it hurts so much.

I don't know what the future holds, but for the first time ever, I'm not excited about it like I used to be. And right now, I'd give anything to live out the future Carter painted a picture of for us...

I guess I should appreciate that I've known a love like the one I thought I had with Carter, even if it was one sided. If nothing else, then because it showed me never to settle for anything less than amazing, because what I felt like I had with Carter was just that, even if it was for a short period of time... I know now I don't want to settle for a satisfactory love... Instead, I want that life-altering epic love.

So, after the last six months, I can only hope that my heart will heal in time, and I will find it easier to get up in the morning... that I will be able to go a day without thinking about him... or that I'll be able to walk through this house and be in my room without recalling the memories of our nights spent together, and them constantly reminding me of what I have lost... and I hope that eventually I'll be able to stop crying myself to sleep. Instead, I hope one day I'll be able to look back on my time with Carter and feel lucky that I found the love of my life... even if I have to spend the rest of my life without him.