Falling into Summer

Chapter 16

Carter

Logging into my work computer after a long weekend, I'm eager to check my email with the hopes I'll see an email from Haley.

It was a week ago, when Haley confessed that she wants to be more than just friends, and even though it made me happy to hear, it didn't help the battle whirling within me. I mean, I could feel our feelings for each other changing that week we spent together, but to hear her outright admit it... it nearly sent me over the edge. It took everything I had to not lean through her car window and kiss her, especially when she admitted that she wanted me to. I had to tell her how I can't stop thinking about her and that she's always on my mind, because I wanted her to know that I'm struggling with all of this also. It's been hard not giving in to what my body is begging me to do, but I've been able to fight it so far because I haven't been sure how she'd feel about it. I don't want to do anything that will disrespect Haley, no matter how hard it is because I know it's not right with Leah still in the picture. This whole time I've been thankful that Haley's been so strong, and that her integrity has kept us in line. But after hearing her admit to it being a struggle for even her, and knowing she's better than me... and probably better than I deserve... I know I'm not strong enough to keep us out of trouble by myself. That's the only reason why I let her drive away from me that night. I knew if she stayed, I would have given in and kissed her, and she wouldn't have stopped me, and it'd only further complicate things between us.

Then when she called me after she'd gotten home, and we spent a couple of hours talking and dissecting where we are and where we go from here, it was disheartening to hear her declare that she needed space from me. I wanted nothing more than to try to convince her otherwise, but I also knew that because I can't give her what she really wants right now, the least I could do is give her what she says she needs, even though I don't want to... so I did.

I spent the rest of the week thinking about her, wondering what she was doing, and missing her. I also thought a lot about Leah, and where our relationship is and if it's really something I want to continue given my developing feelings for Haley. But the truth is, I don't know what a future looks like with Haley, and I do with Leah. Sure, Haley makes me unafraid to dream about the future, and her excitement for life is infectious... but her dreams are so much bigger than my own. I just don't see how her dreams and mine would align, where we'd both be happy in the long run. Whereas with Leah, I know we'd have a life I'm accustomed to, even if it's not as full of a life as I could have.

By the time the weekend rolled around, and Leah was here, I had to shelve my conflicting feelings concerning Haley, and I tried to focus on things with Leah. I spent the whole weekend looking for holes in our relationship and noticing the differences between the two. And although Leah's visit was decent, I never fully stopped thinking about Haley, secretly wishing she'd call me. Haley was so embedded in my thoughts that she took over even my most intimate moments with Leah, and I found myself feeling guilty for this. I hate being in this position, and although I know I got myself into this, I also know after my weekend with Leah, I'm not ready to let Haley go. Needless to say, I was eager to see Leah off this morning so I could get to work and check my email, hoping to see a message from Haley.

When I check my email at work, I'm instantly disappointed when I don't see anything from Haley. Refusing to sit by after the week I just had thinking about her nonstop, I send her an email to test the waters. I'm just not comfortable with this amount of silence between us. Not knowing what she's thinking or how she's feeling is starting to drive me crazy.

TO: Haley Young

FROM: Carter Carlisle

SUBJECT: hey