A Court Of Flowers And Shadows {Azriel Shadowsinger}

Chapter Thirty-Two

Amara hadn't really expected to get this far in to the conversation. She'd fully expected him to shut her down and tell her that he didn't want to talk about it. The fact that he hadn't meant that she was already further in to the conversation than she had originally planned to be and now she felt like she was going to be sick. She quickly turned her gaze away from him and back to the water lilies that floated on the top of the small pond.

"I just... it's been almost two centuries and I guess I wanted to know why you never wanted to talk to me about it..." she admitted, pushing one of the lilies further in to the centre of the pond.

Azriel looked at her softly and sighed before he laid back against the soft grass. "It's a bit complicated."

"If you don't want to-"

"No, we should talk about it. Like you said, it's been almost two centuries."

Amara nodded lightly and went quiet, deciding that it was probably best to let him answer the question in his own time. An uncomfortable silence surrounded the pair as Azriel mulled over the best way to answer this question and Amara waited for the answer. She'd been waiting for centuries so a few more minutes wasn't that much of a long wait. The only issue was that this was the first awkward silence that they had ever found themselves in, especially in this little clearing. Everything beside the pond had always been so certain and comforting but now it was filled by awkwardness and insecurities. Amara started to wish that she'd picked somewhere else for them to have this conversation.

"I guess I just didn't feel like I deserved to be the mate to the Lady of the Spring Court. You seemed so... innocent and perfect and... good, I guess is the word I'm looking for. I can't really think of another one," Azriel admitted softly, finally sitting up and looking over at her. "I didn't want to take that away from you. I didn't want to..." A soft sigh. "I didn't want to ruin you by introducing the darkness in to your life."

Almost as if proving his point, the shadows seemed to extend towards her, a couple swirling through her hair, one around her waist and one rest around her wrist. They were doing exactly what they had always done. Reporting back to him. Letting him know everything about her that he couldn't see from just looking at her. Telling him that her heartbeat was steady but her breathing was a little shaky. That she was tense but also relaxed at the same time. Telling him that she needed to hear more... so he continued.

"And your skin... it was so perfect... so unflawed... It didn't feel like I deserved to touch you with my hands so scarred and I knew that if I was around you too much then I would give in and you'd be disgusted. I've come to terms with the scars but people get... judgemental and uncomfortable around them and that gets even worse whenever I touch them. I didn't want you to be one of those people so I stayed away. That way I would never have to deal with you being repulsed by me."

Amara looked over at him softly, moving her hand back in her lap and away from the water lilies. "I never was... actually, you have no idea how often I just wished that you would just reach across the table and take my hand," Amara said softly, fiddling with a ring that she wore on her finger. A ring that he'd given her one year for Solstice. Not the Winter one... the Summer one. He'd specifically gone to the Spring Court just to give it to her. "Or how often I hoped you'd walk close enough so I could feel your hand brush against my arm or for you to hold my face while you looked down to me and told me that you cared about me."

Azriel looked at her softly and a small smile made its way on to his face. "You never said anything."

"I was waiting for you to do it. I didn't know if it was something that I'd done so I waited for you to say or do something... I didn't want to possibly make things worse between us," Amara told him honestly.

"You didn't do anything wrong. I just... I needed time. Granted, two centuries is a long amount of time but I needed it."

"I um... I'm not saying this to make you feel bad but it kind of made me feel like I couldn't be loved..." Amara admitted quietly. "Tamlin had just shut me out because of what happened with our families and then Lucien wasn't talking to anyone because he had just been kicked out of his court... and then I came here and the bond snapped and you fled the room and didn't talk to me for like thirty years... I thought maybe I just couldn't be loved and that there was something wrong with me that made people not want to be around me."

Azriel looked at her softly and carefully placed his hand over hers. "There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. You're probably one of the easiest people I know to love and I'm so sorry that I didn't make you feel that way."

"Then there's the thing with Mor..."

"There is no thing with Mor. There stopped being a thing with Mor quite awhile ago. About when our notes started and I realised that there was a lot more to you than I thought there was. That the light that seemed to follow you everywhere was actually just blinding people so that they didn't see the darkness hidden underneath."

"Took you awhile to see through it though."

"I lived in darkness for a really long time. The light scared me so I never tried to see past it but... I know darkness when I see it, Amara. Sometimes people just get tricked in to believing the darkness was gone and I think because you were trying to make yourself believe it, I did as well. So I thought I wasn't worthy of you... but then the notes started and I saw that you needed someone and that you were so much more than the sweet, innocent girl that I'd first met. I'll admit, the darkness drew me in but the light is what made me stay."

"You didn't exactly stay, Az. You still distanced yourself the entire time since I got here. Or ignored me. Or even... even left the room when I walked in," Amara pointed out quietly. She wasn't trying to ruin this. She just needed answers.

"Earlier, you asked me why I don't sleep. I tried to come up with a reason that wouldn't scare you away or make you feel... I don't know, obligated to come to me but I stay awake so that if you needed someone after a nightmare then you could come to me. I just wanted you to know that there was someone there for you, whether you wanted me to be your mate or not. So that you knew that there was someone you could turn to no matter what time it was and that you didn't have to be alone through all of this. Because you don't have to be alone, Amara. You never had to be."

"Why do you suddenly care so much?"

"Because you keep acting like you're not hiding how you feel and like I can't live without you and like you don't need anybody to be by your side. But I am by your side!" Azriel pointed out, causing Amara to freeze up. "Because you're my mate and I love you."

Amara went to say something, but she couldn't speak so her mouth just shut again. Azriel moved slightly closer and hesitated before he cupped her cheek, looking down at her. She leaned in to his touch and looked up at him, letting out a shaky breath.

"I'm probably going to kiss you now," he whispered softly in to the silence that surrounded them, subtly asking her permission.

Amara nodded lightly, her gaze flickering to his lips before back to his eyes. "You should um... you should definitely do that..."

So he did and it was everything that both of them had dreamed.