A Court Of Flowers And Shadows {Azriel Shadowsinger}

Chapter Forty-Four

"Hey. Can I borrow you for a minute?" Amara asked as she popped her head round the door. She then tilted her head slightly. "Is that Amren's puzzle?" 

Azriel looked up from the book he was reading and over at his mate before glancing at the puzzle that Cassian was doing. "Yes, and yes." 

"Can you two shut up? I need to concentrate so I can finish this before Amren shows up," Cassian told them as he placed another piece of the puzzle. The intense concentration written on his face was enough for Amara to nod Azriel out of the room. 

Azriel set his book down and followed Amara out of the room, closing the door behind him so that nothing would disturb Cassian and his very important puzzle. He wasn't entirely sure where Cassian had managed to get the puzzle from without Amren noticing or why he even was doing a puzzle but he did know that it was keeping him entertained rather than worried about Feyre and Rhys visiting the Weaver. Azriel couldn't help a small part of him that hoped Rhys got just a little bit hurt from the visit. It would be far to satisfying. 

"What is it?" He asked Amara softly, moving some of her hair out of her face. 

"I need you to fly me somewhere and you can't ask questions. Usually I get Cassian to do it but he's clearly busy and Mor asks questions so I need you to do it," Amara explained, leaning in to his touch a bit when he cupped her cheek. 

"So you want me to fly you somewhere but you don't want to tell me why I'm flying you there?" He asked her with a raised eyebrow, running his thumb over the part of her scar that reached her jaw. 

"Basically, yes, but if you ask then I'll probably tell you so I'm kind of hoping that you won't ask. And yes, I could winnow myself but I'm exhausted because I didn't really sleep last night." 

He frowned. "Nightmare?" 

"No. I just couldn't fall asleep." 

"You should have woken me up. I would have stayed with you." 

"I know. That's why I didn't. I just didn't want to be a hassle and just because one of us couldn't sleep doesn't mean the other shouldn't." 

He nodded lightly and pressed a gentle kiss to her forehead. "Okay. When do you want to get going?" 

"Right now?" 

"Let me go let Cass know and then I'll be right with you." 

Amara nodded lightly and leaned against the hallway wall, sighing softly as she ran a hand through her hair and waited for him to come back. She wasn't entirely sure why she hadn't been able to sleep that night, but she knew what she had decided to do rather than fall asleep. She'd made a pros and cons list... about whether or not she should go back to the Spring Court. She wasn't entirely sure why she had started to make the list, she just knew that staying at the Night Court and around Rhysand wasn't helping her nightmares.

Being around Az helped though... which was why she needed to visit someone and find out what they thought. Amara hadn't been able to figure out which option was better for her. Hopefully... hopefully she would be able to help Amara figure it out. 

Azriel made his way back out of the room and raised an eyebrow when he saw the far away look in her eyes. "Hey... you okay?" 

"Hmm? Oh, yeah, I'm fine. Just thinking," Amara said softly as she walked with him to the balcony. 

It wasn't very long before the two of them were in the air, Amara nestled safely in his arms as they flew to the Night Court border. The person she was going to visit was another reason why Amara felt like she couldn't hate Rhysand. No matter what he'd done for her Under the Mountain, he'd saved her life and the lives of the people she loved on multiple occasions. It just felt selfish and wrong to hate him after she had relied on him and his generosity for so long. Surely that meant she couldn't hate him? 

"What's going on in that little blonde head of yours?" Azriel asked her softly, glancing down at her for what was probably the hundredth time since they took off. 

"Nothing important," Amara told him. 

"Liar. You just don't feel ready to share. It's okay if you aren't. I won't force you to tell me." 

"Do you ever wish that you could go back and change anything in your life?" She asked, deciding that instead of telling him what she was thinking about, she would ask him a question that had been on her mind for a while. 

Azriel was silent for a while as he seemed to mill over his answer to her question. He was quiet for so long that they'd landed where Amara had instructed and she'd completely forgotten she'd asked the question by the time he set her down on the ground. She stretched a little bit and took a couple of steps to be able to shake off the stiffness in her limbs from being carried for the last hour. She knew that the trip didn't take that long, Azriel had just made it last as long as he possibly could. 

"No," Azriel said quietly as he watched her stretch. 

"I'm sorry?" Amara asked with a slight tilt of her head, confused about what he was talking about. 

"No, I wouldn't change anything in my life if I could." 

"Oh." 

Amara tucked a strand of hair behind her ear as she made her way back over to him. "Why not?" 

"Because I believe that what happens is meant to happen. What has happened to us has made us who we are today and if we change any of it then we might be very different people." 

"We might be unconditionally happy." 

"I doubt that. We only know happiness because we've known sadness. We only know what it is to be free of pain because we've felt pain so unbearable that we forgot what it was to live without it. We only know the light because we've seen the darkness. I wouldn't change anything because everything that I am, everything that you are, is because of what we've gone through. And I wouldn't change you for anything in the world." 

"There isn't a single thing you would change?" 

"The only thing I would ever change about you is that you could be happier a lot more frequently and for a lot longer than you seem to be." 

"You're already doing that though," Amara said softly as she looked up at the man she loved. 

"Then I guess I don't need to change anything." 

"I guess not." 

~~~~~~

Fun Fact: Amara spends a lot of time making lists, either in her head or on paper. There is rarely a time she isn't making a list.