After Life[Zarry]

Two

A/N: Mentions of suicide, drugs and grief, proceed with caution.

All in my zone, all in my space, life is always in the way

Nobody said that you would leave me, nobody says that in this dark.

After life, those words made you think of heaven, hell, reincarnation or whatever you believed in, right? Well, whenever Zayn thought of the after life his mind remained blank, he couldn't imagine it, he couldn't imagine it because he knew that the only place for Victoria was next to him, not in heaven or hell but right here next to him. As he turned around in bed, eyes trained on the empty pillow and the coldness of where she should have been. He was reminded, just like he was every morning that she was no longer here, no longer next to him where she belonged, now nothing more than a pile of bones buried six feet underground.

It had been year but life after Vic hadn't gotten easier, in fact each passing day and with each asshole he met in the street, it seemed to get harder and his will to live was quickly dwindling to an end.  People weren't good anymore, people weren't her, he needed her. It's not like he hadn't tried it before, he had tried, multiple times, to kill himself but something always came in between. He tried to hang himself but then dog came in whining for food and he had promised Vic he'd take care of their Bella so he couldn't let it starve, so, he put the chair away, hid the rope and then took the dog out to get some dog food. He tried to drowning himself but as his lungs began to restrict, burning, and begging him for air, he remembered that one of their goats was pregnant and he had promised Vic he'd be there to help with delivery of the goat's young, so he got up  for air, heaving and gasping, light-headed from the lack of oxygen. He simply put on his clothes, popped a cigarette in his mouth and went out of his house towards the farm where coincidentally the goat had gone into the labor. Zayn single-handedly help the goat give birth but he didn't feel the satisfaction or joy he would have had if Vic had been there. His most recent attempt was about three weeks ago, he had bought a large dose of heroine and was sitting was in the dining room, sobbing as he brought the needle to his skin, he needed this, he couldn't live life anymore, not without her, life after Victoria wasn't worth it. But then he heard a crash in the kitchen and he rushed to see that the chickens had wandered from the farm and had gotten into the main house through Bella's dog door and were now flying about , making an absolute mess. He laughed humorlessly, dropping the needle before getting them out of the kitchen. He hadn't tried again since.

Zayn got up with a groan, waking up another day, having to make the same fight, having to find a way to get through another day, another day without Vic. Many people pitied him but some found it ridiculous, ridiculous that he was still acting like this, despite it having been a year, I guess human sympathy and decency only lasted so long. Zayn found it ridiculous as well, he found it ridiculous knowing that death was the only solution to the pain he was feeling, the only way to fill the hole in his heart and yet he was finding it difficult to do the one thing, the one thing he was sure would bring him peace. However he knew why he couldn't, Vic had asked him, she had asked him to take care of the farm, the goats, the chickens and Bella or she would kill him and Zayn hated to disappoint Victoria. So, like every day of this dreadful year, Zayn got up and made his bed, before entering the bathroom, taking a shower that was longer than needed, consisting of him staring off into the distance while the scalding water ran down his body before getting out to stare into the mirror where he imagined Victoria, standing next to him, brushing her teeth while her hair, her lively curls were hidden in her silk bonnet, the importance of which she never shut up about and even at one point persuaded Zayn into using at night. He got out and changed before going out to do his rounds, feeding all the animals outside before returning home to finally feed the dog.

"Zayn, Zayn." Her strained voice spoke through the phone, and Zayn buried his head into his hands as he listened tentatively to the phone. "There's been an accident, a car, it doesn't matter, I'm hurt and I don't think I'm going to make it." She breathed heavily, her pain and the commotion around her evident through the phone. "I love you, I just wanted to say that, I love you so fucking much and I know you won't get this because you're busy doing the interview but I love you. And," She hesitated, wincing as she gathered her thoughts, thinking of what to say, what her final words would be. Zayn gripped the phone tightly, waiting for the words even though he had listened to this enough times to know what was coming. "Take care of the farm ok? Promise me you'll take of the chickens and the horses, don't forget to feed Bella. Oh and the goat is pregnant so you have to get that checked out, you better do this or I will kill you or haunt you in your sleep." Zayn laughed like he did every time, even though it wasn't funny.