to all the boys ive loved before

to revisiting the past

dear forgotten family,

i am currently a senior in high school, when i started this book i was a small freshman who allowed herself to be blown away by anyone.

to this day this still applies.

i have yet to have my first kiss or significant other (i have finally decided to stop suppressing myself and come out as bisexual to my close friends, i haven't had the courage to talk to my family about it though).

in the few years it has been since i wrote in this, a lot of things have happened to me.

some bad, some good, but all confusing.

there is this person that i recently started talking to, a lot.

they're someone i've known my whole life, but never really noticed. they are sweet, funny, and let me make my rude stupid jokes without getting mad at me.

they're terrible at math, and even worse at physics is almost charming.

the late night -really early morning- voice calls that make me shake. staying up late just to keep me company and get help in classes.

laughing with me and getting sidetracked.

making me promise to watch your tennis matches, because every year i said i would watch you, but i never got the chance to.

through you, i was introduced to many new/old friends. we've become a small family, always there for each other and call each other out on their bs.

i just wanted to come here to let go of some pent up emotions. i don't really want to pursue this infatuation, because you deserve better. you deserve a beautiful girl, someone who isn't overly jealous or insecure. someone to be your rock, because you are everyone else's.

i say this here and now because i know no one is going to find it.

but if you do stumble upon this old story, welcome! come stay a bit.

while my writing has probably gotten worse, i'm going to use this book as a rant for my sad thoughts.

i no longer wish to burden the people i love with the same old insecurities and sadness. i want to be stronger, for them. and one day, i hope for me.

-m

ps i hope none of my friends find this because they'll joke about my little crush, but if they do... i hope they let me keep this secret to myself. thanks.