to all the boys ive loved before

to my readers

readers,

i find it funny how im writing a book about the boys ive loved, yet ive never had my first kiss or a boyfriend.

its not that i dont want to, its just that boys dont seem to like me back.

and of the boys that i've written about all impacted me in different ways.

but how do i know what love is if ive never shared it with another person other than family?

i believe everyone knows what love is, but not what it feels like. sure our parents and family have loved us, but loving another is a different classification than parental love.

i may be so wrong, but this is my opinion. theres the door if you finna hate on me.

but if i know what love is, then why am i so afraid?

because the idea of someone meaning so much to me is scary. when you love someone, you become one they can rely on. you become a part of them.

and if i end up meaning so much to someone, i become apart of them.

but what if i hurt them?

what if i become the bad part of them?

i dont want to ever do that to someone.

and i would never want someone to do that to me.

but when you love someone, you risk it all.

your heart,

your body,

and your entire being.

at the same time, unrequited love exists.

i say that i have loved all of these boys, but can i really call it love if i dont know what that kind of love feels like? im just a little girl with a crush on a bunch of boys who never seem to like me back so i decided to rant about it on a website/app where i can say whatever is on my mind while remaining anonymous. i can open my heart to a group of strangers who somehow relate to me or just want to read something and not reveal my identity.

for some reason, the mystery and the fact that only few know who i am makes me feel so safe.

but at the same time, this is my heart that i am currently writing down in my laptop, in my room. 

this is my emotions,

my sadness

my happiness

my confusion

and my anger.

so thank you for accepting my heart and my thoughts. 

-m

ps dont listen to sad music while writing, because you end up with a sad chapter and heart.