Already Gone

1

george

My headset volume is too loud. The sound is zooming through the coils in my brain, reflecting off itself, then flying back out. I can't process what the two voices on the other end of the line are saying anymore, and I'm too exhausted to make an effort to understand.

What would happen if I just...

I guide my mouse to the correct button and leave.

Silence. The silence is almost louder than Dream and Sapnap combined.

Dream.

He's probably wondering where I've gone right now, wondering if I'm upset. Am I upset? I can't seem to be able to figure out what's right for me at the moment, whether I should stream with Sapnap and Dream or just delete Twitch and Discord, call my family, or curl up with Cat on my bed for days.

My thoughts are always jumbled up, like clothes straight out the washing machine. They take hours to dry, then even longer to fold, only to get messed up all over again. It feels like an endless cycle; an endless cycle that won't go away.

And I'm done with it.

I'm done with having to think and feel and understand everything that happens around me, so why not just stop?

Stop trying to get through the bustling crowds of emotions in my head every day, stop letting them wake me up in the middle of the night.

Stop wondering what other people think of me when I don't even know what to think of myself.

Stop pretending I know how to react when someone becomes emotional with me.

A lot of my time is spent reading fanfictions. Somehow, reading romantic  DreamNotFound fanfictions relaxes me.

Even if I am the fucking creator it's about, I wouldn't know it. Everyone makes me seem timid and defenseless and boring in them. Doesn't bother me, I only read for the unrealistic perfect relationship that the authors create.

I would say it gives me hope or makes me believe that Dream could want me, but that's not it.

I started reading them when DNF was trending on Twitter once. At least 90% were referring to popular fanfictions - how some people could only really escape by reading them, how people found a home by reading them. That was all I wanted at the time, to escape from the limelight and become part of my own fanbase - how stupid that was.

The first one I read was DNF.  I was incredibly shy and submissive. The outcast of the group, too quiet to get invited to anything, too shy to become close to anyone, only really there because my friends felt bad leaving me out.

The only person that cared enough to talk to me was Dream. He showed interest in me when nobody else did. He took me places that nobody had taken me before, places I thought I would only ever visit on my own. He made me feel ways other people didn't make me feel. He made me feel safe.

Looking back, it's sad to see me slowly slip into the persona of what the author created of me in the story.

I'm drained now. Shy? Not really the word. Just drained. As if I let the parts of myself that I was holding onto go. The parts that made me, me. Now I don't know who I am, who I want to be, who I should be. Whenever I open my mouth to speak, I go by the policy that whatever I say isn't going to matter to anyone in the whole world except the person I'm talking to.

Like I'm trying to write a story that's actually worth reading.

A life worth living.

Which it used to be, but not anymore. The fanfictions made me feel inadequate like the fake me was worthy of love - Dream's love, but not the real me.

I read fanfictions because they make me believe that everyone's deserving of a soulmate, even me. But even that doesn't bring me comfort, because my brain cannot accept the idea of the person I want liking me back.

My brain tells me that everything he says to me (good or bad) is a lie.

He doesn't actually love me.

He doesn't actually find me funny.

He doesn't actually enjoy calling me, he'll leave as soon as the audience doesn't want me anymore.

He doesn't- I could go on.

It's probably stupid of me, but I can never manage to win the relentless battle against my brain. My stupid fucking brain.

As  I already said, it doesn't exactly give me hope or anything, but it makes me feel like Dream and I are meant to be together or something. Like whatever Dream says to me on stream, other people hear too, not just me dreaming them. Like I have a chance.

WORD COUNT: 806

So, what are we thinking?

Before you guys say - what are you doing starting a new ff? You have two ongoing ones ready!

I have commitment issues okay. Anyways tell me your thoughts, please!

VOTE PLEASE<33333