Already Gone

17

george

TW: mention of poor eating habits, threat of suicidal habits. stay safe<3

I had hung up on purpose. I meant what I said - he was pretty.

I had wanted to see his face not to break that barrier and further our relationship, but so his mind would be at rest when I was gone. I couldn't have him regretting not letting me see him, and blame himself.

My phone laid on my bedside table, it was glaring at me.

I was shivering, my body had no heat left. My skin clung to my bones, aching for motivation. My bones were brittle and visible, due to my poor diet. My diet had become sparse, ever since I gave up. 

Everything felt like a struggle, from shifting to find the warm side of the pillow in the evening, to getting up and living again in the morning. 

I wondered what it would be like, once I was gone. Whether Dream and Sapnap would move on easily, and find other things to get humor out of. I hoped that it wouldn't affect them, as best it could.

I really did love them, more than anything, but not enough to keep me here.

Never enough. 

They had tried their hardest to save me, to pull me out of the endless whirlpool I had got myself into, but they were too late. It wasn't their fault. 

I was already gone. 

Heaving, I pulled myself up from the crumpled bedsheets and pulled out my phone.

I opened Dream's message. It was time. 

As I typed, it dawned upon me just how severe, how real this was. Anticipation ricocheted through my nimble bones, it made me feel good. The sudden rushes of adrenaline were overwhelming, yet exciting. How I wasn't just playing around to feel something anymore, this was the end. This was actual, genuine pain that I couldn't cope with so I was deflecting it onto other people. 

My brain internally fought, engulfing me and making me feel guilty. The words I was using in my message became broken up. 

Dream. I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry. Deep down I guess I know that I was what you wanted, what you needed. But I couldn't sit by and watch you settle for less, not like this. 

You didn't deserve this, you didn't deserve me, and I'm sorry that fate brought us together in this way. I'm sorry that we invested so much time in each other, that you hooked me with your prepossessing personality.

I admired you Dream, I always have. The second we started talking I was head over heels for you. The ways I felt for you were completely and utterly self-destructive. That's what I thought until you confessed. Honestly, I thought that knowing you were in love with me would change everything, would bring back the real me, but it didn't, I realized that it was a me problem, not an us problem. And I've spent so much time, so many hours trying to figure out how I could solve that burning 'me' problem. But I can't do that anymore, it hurts too much now.

It hurts to have seen you get altered and affected by me, for the worse. And now it'll probably hurt even more. I'm sorry Dream, but nothing is enough to keep me here. 

You need to keep going. You need to push through and find someone new. I will love you forever Dream, and I'm sorry that you never got to hear me say that. Please keep your head up, you deserve so much more than this.

I want you to know that you couldn't have done anything in the world to save me, it really isn't your fault. It isn't your fault, or Sapnap's fault, or anyone's fault. Anyone but mine.