Already Gone

13

george

Ugh, stupid George's point of view getting in the way of the angst. Prepare for a shitty chapter, since I don't wanna write it.

Dream's call had alarmed me slightly. I didn't think that me considering leaving would affect him so much? Maybe he wouldn't be better off without me..?

But this wasn't about him, this was about my problems.

This was about the fact that no matter how hard I tried, things didn't feel right anymore, this was about the fact that whatever I did, it wouldn't be enough.

Some days I forgot that I had millions of fans, waiting on me, counting on me.

Waiting for a new stream. Waiting for a new video. Waiting for new content. Waiting to know every single thing about me until they were content, and then they'd move on.

My mother used to tell me that everything is temporary, which in some ways was comforting, and others not so much. Good or bad, I always lived by it.

If pain was temporary - great!

If waiting was temporary - great!

But what about the other things.

If I and Dream were temporary - what was the fucking point?

If the fame was temporary - what was the fucking point?

If the happiness was temporary - what was the fucking point?

Sometimes I hated my Mum forever introducing that idea to me.

.✫*ﾟ･ﾟ｡.★.*｡･ﾟ✫*.

Another thing that I couldn't understand was the effect that changing the dynamic of my and Dream's relationship had on me.

How only a few weeks ago I was tumbling around in a tunnel of numbness. How I was prepared to rip off the bandages that were stopping me from bleeding myself dry, just to be able to feel the distant tears roll down my face. How every day felt like a wallowing conundrum.

He hated how he used to crave the melodic cries.

But then Dream happened.

Now it felt like I had reached the end of one tunnel, only to find that there was one with spikes next. Now the bandages were ripped off, and the final drops were draining out of me, leaving me dehydrated and exhausted. Now the days felt like they were painted in black and white.

Thinking Dream would have solved my problems in the first place was stupid. Thinking my problems were solvable at all was stupider.

Laying in bed all day, but then getting as few as three hours of sleep per night was taking its toll. Not only did I feel more tired, but the scribbles of doubt in my head were getting messier and messier. All hope I once had of recovery was gone. I couldn't bear the endless cycle.

I hauled my body up and off my bed, the place where I had spent around 150 of the 168 hours in the past week.

I placed myself lightly in my desk chair, mentally pleading that neither Sapnap nor Dream would be active.

Watching as Discord automatically opened as I turned on my computer, I saw Dream sat in a VC, screen sharing and listening to Spotify. It wasn't rare that I would find him there, but since it was around three in the morning for him, it was slightly odd, since he was a heavy sleeper apparently.

Instead of joining him, I changed my status to Do Not Disturb and opened Undertale.

Undertale had been the game that single-handily pulled me through my teenage years, and every now and then I found myself playing it, for the nostalgia.

It brought me comfort on late, lonely nights like these, where I was quite literally losing the will to live but didn't fancy distracting myself with talking.

Human interaction was something I was lacking, hugely.

Sure, I used to spend the majority of the time sitting in a call with Dream or Sapnap, or anyone, but now not so much.

Even then, it didn't provide the same qualities that face-to-face interaction did. Immersing myself in a surreal world was clearly one of my coping mechanisms.

Loading up the familiar pixels every time I needed a distraction or something to do. It was days like those when I forgot what the real world felt like. To think that some people had physical relationships where they could touch and hug and smell each other baffled me.

Fallen Down started playing distantly in the background. The song felt like home.

WORD COUNT: 733

My mans George is getting a little down in the dumps some would say.

Love you George.