An Insight On Regulus Arcturus Black

Love and Hate

*T.W. light mention of child abuse*

Regulus did not know what to think. He had just pushed away the only person that could save him and he had made sure that Sirius would not come back. He was a fool and he knew it. He could not defy mother on his own, he was not courageous like his brother. Sometimes he wished he were, but then his Slytherin pride took over, overshadowing these thoughts. Slytherins should not think of that, let alone wish it. He would never join his blood-traitor of a brother -he felt guilty just by insinuating Sirius was a blood-traitor, even as he thought it.

Every time he thought of Sirius, his body went rigid. He had mixed feelings for the raven-haired boy. He loved him, sure, his mother’s emotional and physical abuse could not take that away, but at the same time he despised him. He left him alone when he promised they would leave together. Making him join the Death Eaters under his parents’ orders. And he hated him for that, for the freedom he acquired that Regulus himself could never hope to get. It was not fair.

He knew he was acting like a 5-year-old and that the heir of the noble and most ancient house of Black should be cold and elegant, but Sirius left a year ago. He was hurting, he needed his brother and he missed him terribly, even though he shouldn’t feel such things.

He didn’t think he could be saved at this point. He never cared about Voldemort or his followers, but his parents’ choices led him straight in this tenacious cult’s grasp, trapping him in this endless cycle of terror.

He didn’t want this, but his parents would hunt him down and kill him if he disappointed them too, so he acted like he was thrilled to join Him. He could not escape the Dark Lord now -or his followers for that matter. It was a well-known fact that traitors never survived from His wrath and ended up dead, so he acted like he was a loyal servant.

Regulus was good at that, acting. Putting on a facade and pretending that nothing could ever bother him. No one was ever able to read his thoughts, except two people. His brother and his buffoon of a best friend, James Potter. James Potter of all people.

He had spent months pestering Regulus, trying to learn something, anything about his best friend’s little brother. At first, Regulus had hated him for it, he was making his task more difficult to accomplish.

After a month though, he was quite fond of him. They would meet up in secret and talk about their problems -no Death Eater stuff obviously. He was easy to talk to, fun even. The hazel-eyed boy could make Regulus laugh in under five seconds just with a crooked smile, but the Slytherin refused to believe they were anything more than friends.

Six months later, something had changed. He thought about him all day, with a smile plastered on his face. Not a day could go by without the two of them talking. He even was considerably friendlier to him in the corridors. By then, he was convinced he had a crush on James Potter. He called him Reggie -a name he only used to let Sirius use- and the Slytherin could never argue, only internally swoon.

Alas, he was in love with Lily Evans. As the months passed by, Regulus couldn’t help but hate her. He saw how she looked at him. She loved him too, she just didn’t know it yet. He told James countless times she wasn’t worth it, trying to veer him away from her, but every time the Gryffindor just shrugged, laughed and told him, “Lily will love me one day, you’ll see. I won’t give up on her,” and Regulus could only nod, his heart shattering from the pain and guilt.

These months turned into a year. Their friendship only worsened and his crush only magnified. James was constantly worried about him, trying to find out why he had dark circles under his eyes or why he skipped classes -he somehow always knew when he wasn’t where he was supposed to be. Regulus obviously couldn’t tell him about his secret, so he always did the first thing he could think of, usually  yelling at him to stay out of it and leave.

More than once he found himself dragged by James into broom closets, demanding to learn what was wrong with him -he swore the boy had no boundaries when it came to personal space. He disappeared from the hazel-eyed boy’s radar for days after the fifth time it happened.

Their usual hangout place was the Astronomy tower, they were prefects -James was Head boy- so they could go there any time they wanted. Eventually, they had a huge fight, mostly because James had had enough. He couldn’t make Regulus tell him, but he desperately wanted to know his secret. Regulus couldn’t tell him. He just couldn’t risk it, he told himself then.

He could only watch James lose faith in him as they yelled at each other in the middle of the night. If Regulus closed his eyes, he could imagine that James liked him back and their fight was just a kind of lover’s spat. But this was reality and James was his friend. Even if James wasn’t straight, they could never be together, him being a Death Eater and Potter the ‘blood-traitor enemy’.

So, he let him go. He made sure they stopped being friends. He couldn’t watch him run around Evans like a lost puppy anyway. A monster like him did not deserve love, he knew that much. He was destined for other things, darker things, his life did not include a love story.

Nevertheless, he found himself in the Astronomy tower two days later, waiting for James to appear and make things right for the both of them, only to find Sirius and he only made things worse, shutting out the second person that actually cared for him. He was surprised to find out his brother knew nothing of his newfound friendship with his best friend.

Potter knew how to keep a secret after all, he thought bitterly.
Regulus was mad. He was in pain and he missed Sirius and James more than he could ever admit. He wanted to apologize, he wanted to get out of this mess and never participate in any war, but he could not do that. He had to put on that elegant, Slytherin facade of his and enter the common room. He had a job to do.

Regulus had made his choice, he could not back down now. No one could save him, not even Dumbledore. It was too late. He wiped the few tears that had escaped from his eyes and he said the password -pureblood- to enter the common room. It’s time to take a tour in this hellish mess he called a new life.

“Black,” greeted a voice. He searched for its owner and found none other than Snape with a sneer on his face. Great, he thought to himself, the half-blood git would lead his first mission. He mentally rolled his eyes.

“Ready for your first unofficial mission?” he asked, a huge feel of disinterest emanating out of him. His heart sank. This is it; this is the future. His future. He couldn’t trust his voice to answer his question, knowing it would betray him due to the previous events he had to suffer. He nodded and they both exited the common room, starting their lives as Death Eaters.