Love Me Or Hate Me

Love Me Or Hate Me [23-I]

My bags had been in the trunk of my car since James left last night.

It's pretty low to say that I had been expecting him to mess up, but was I wrong? He had wrong me so many times already, so what would make today any different? He was never going to change, and if he ever did, it wouldn't be because of me. I finally accept that he didn't want me and I guess that's something that I'll have to live with. Sure, it means that I wasted years of my life chasing a lost cause, but at least I knew that I had a reason to let go now. . .

Looking down in my lap, I picked up the note that was just sitting there and I unfolded it for what seemed to be the hundredth time so I could reread it before giving it to James.

James,

It's funny how things work out, right? I had spent so much of my time obsessing over you and a relationship that we could have had, and for what? You never learned to think with your brain and not your ego, but I'm not writing this letter to pester you. In fact, I'm actually happy that you're giving me a reason to write this. My feeling have been locked up for years and now that I'm leaving, I don't see any point in me keeping it a secret anymore.

Ever since we were freshmen, I've admired you from afar and when given the chance to do it up close, I guess I wasn't ready. But what could you have expected from a virgin who's never had a boyfriend before? Of course I'd be the one to mess things up! Haha. . .

Anyway, I just want you to know that even though I hate the way things ended between us, that I could never really hate you. You made high school somewhat interesting for me, so I guess I owe you that much. I mean, what would I have been doing if I was never told that I had to marry you? Probably just read my high school years away.

But, I guess there's nothing else to say. I appreciate what you've done for me—opening my eyes, I mean. While we may not end up together, at least I got a chance to figure that out for myself. Good luck out there in the real world, and I hope you find a girl that can actually make you happy—hopefully not Candy because you can do way better. . . Seriously though, good luck out there.

Love, Isabel <3

I had been satisfied with the letter when I wrote it, but now it seemed as if there was so much more that I could say. Of course, when I saw James' car park two behind my own, I bent down a little bit and watched as he ran into the building. Once I was sure he wasn't going to come down and run into me, I got out of my car and placed the letter on the windshield wiper of his car. He would find it easily, but by the time he did, I would be gone.

Taking one last look at the building, I got back into my car and sat there for a bit before driving off in the direction of the airport. In my rear-view mirror, I saw James run back out of the building and over to his car, where he found the note. The look on his face while he read it was a pained one, but I didn't stop driving. I needed to get away and I needed to let go of James while I still had the self control to do so.

So, once the light changed colors, I drove off and continued going until I was finally at the airport and on the plane. In the back of my mind, I pictured James' face, but I ignored it and stared out of the window of the airplane; wondering what it would have been like to actually marry him. . .

The thought went out of the window though and I shook my head, placing my head phones in and blocking out all noise with my music. James would always be in the back of my mind and in the back of my heart, but for now, I would have to let go.

I couldn't torture myself anymore.

So, once the plane took off, I let one tear roll down my cheek and I opened my eyes to look out of the window before muttering two words. “Goodbye, James. . .”