My Dirty Little Secret

Chapter Fourteen

The weekend passed slowly and painfully. I knew it wouldn't pass any faster if I didn't get up and do something, but I couldn't. All weekend I let my phone ring. Liliana called. Other friends called. Kate called about a hundred times - the one thing that hadn't changed between us - and each time, I let it ring. Instead, I watched sad movies and listened to sad music and felt sorry for myself. There was nothing left to do. There was nothing else to feel.

Now that there was no more Kate, alone time was a lot easier to come by. No one else had a key to my apartment, and no one sends you text messages throughout the day the way a steady girlfriend does. There was no one to call just to talk, except maybe my best friend, and I knew that if I called her, we'd just end up talking about Kate, and I'd probably end up crying. And crying was one thing I didn't want to do anymore. I was simply exhausted by all the crying I'd already done.

So in total solitude, I was left alone with my thoughts. And mostly, I asked myself questions. I asked why she did what she did, but of course I had no answer. I asked if I had reacted wrong, and I didn't know if I had. I asked if I'd been stupid to think I could have found love, and that was another answer I didn't know.

Is it better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?

Not if loss felt like this, I decided. Then again, maybe I hadn't really loved at all.

By Monday morning, I figured I was ready to face the world again. The world had, after all, kept on turning while I was barely in it, and as much as I would have liked to call into work, I knew I had to get out sometime. And I knew that at least in going to work, I had one incentive - one smiling brunette who always seemed to arrive early to homeroom. 

__________

"Hey," I said to her that morning, sticking on a happy face. "It's you."

"It's me," she confirmed, smiling my favorite smile. "How are you?"

I figured she was referring to everything with Kate, so I figured I wouldn't lie. "Alright, I guess."

"Did things get better?"

"Well," I began, wondering if they truly had. "They definitely got worse. But I think that it getting worse actually might have made it better."

She just laughed. "I hope that at least makes sense to you," she said.

I sat down, puzzled by my own logic. "I wish it did."

She laughed again, and I decided it was my new favorite sound. Picking up on the fact that I wasn't ready to talk about it, she changed the subject. "Did we get the new uniforms for cheering yet?"

I'd forgotten all about the uniforms. They'd been sitting in my trunk since last week. 

"Yeah," I realized. "We did. I just haven't brought the boxes in from my car yet."

"Do you need help?" she offered.

I actually did. The boxes were heavy, and there were a lot of them. And I wasn't going to turn down some alone time, especially since, after all, I was newly single. "If you're up for it," I said. "After practice?"

"I'll be there," she said. I found myself more excited than I'd anticipated.

Practice ran late that night, with our first game coming up later that week. It was already dark by the time we got out, and I still had those boxes to take inside. At least I knew I wouldn't be alone.

Chelsea had gone to change with everyone else, but was the only one to return to the gym. She met me back there looking sexy in tight jeans and a black longsleeve, and finally we were alone. 

"Ready?" she smiled, looking energetic.

I picked up my keys, expressing my answer. "Let's go," I said.

As much as I liked being alone with Chelsea - and I really, really liked it - I couldn't help but feel distracted. As we took trips struggling with boxes and chatting about this and that, my mind took turns between being excited to be with her, and flickering back to thoughts about Kate.

"Are you okay?" Chelsea asked eventually, as we were stacking the last of the boxes in the storage closet in the gym. 

"Yeah," I lied. "Why?"

"You seem upset about something," she said, leaning casually against the bleachers, arms folded.

"I'm not," I said, lying again. "I just have a lot on my mind, I guess."

"Such as?"

"Break-up," I answered flatly. I slid against the wall and sat on the floor, feeling beat up.

"Oh no," she said, sounding truly empathetic. "What happened?"

I shook my head. "You don't even wanna know."

She made a pained expression as she sat down next to me. "That bad?"

"She cheated," I explained.

"Oh my God," she almost whispered. "I'm so sorry."

I shrugged, but for once, I wasn't crying. "It happens."

"It shouldn't," she said with some indignance. "Not to you. You don't deserve it."

"Maybe I do, for being so naive," I pointed out.

"Brooke," she said. "You may be trusting, but you're smart. You're not too naive. People are just too underhanded."

I looked over at her, who looked sincere. "You think so?"

She nodded. "I do."

"I just wonder why it happened," I admitted out loud. As a source of comfort, she hugged me, and I melted into her, feeling her comfort. It was as if she was the one who was older than me, as if she was my teacher, my coach, my mentor. 

"You know it's not your fault," she reiterated. "You're perfect."

Then, I knew I'd spent long enough waiting. Long enough worrying about everyone else, long enough trying to please everyone besides myself and always do the right thing. Now I was allowing myself a lapse in reason. Even if it wasn't logical, it all made sense to me. I looked into her deep brown eyes, brought myself closer, and quickly, tentatively, brushed my lips against hers.

She didn't back away. She accepted me fully, and returned my shy kiss with a far more passionate one. Minutes later, we hadn't stopped.

"Brooke," she said rather lasciviously, after some time. "I've had the biggest crush on you since the first time I met you. I just thought you should know."

I smiled at the beautiful girl in front of me. "And you should probably know that I've wanted to do this since then. Even when I was seeing someone else."

"That's good to know," she said. 

"But there's one more thing I need to know," I said, sensually rubbing circles on one of her shoulders.

"What?" she asked.

"Do you know how to keep a secret?"