Ephemera- Of Fire and Ash

Yudhishthira's letter

PLEASE SPAM MY COMMENTS....... I WAS LEGGIT CRYING WRITING THIS CHAPTER, ALSO I GAVE DOUBLE UPDATE SO I NEED SOME CREDIT...

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I don't know to whom,

It's with a heavy heart that I write you this note, knowing the amount of happiness it is going to cause you. You all succeeded, I give up to destiny, I give up!! I can't stand it any longer..

I don't care if you all hate me, condemn me, because I am sure you can't hate me more than I hate myself, I am sure every thing you say is already told to me by myself. Stab me, Kill me, murder me, poison me, behead me.. pleaseeeeee.... I can't live.  

The pain that stings me, the doubt that plagues me; the doubt that makes me feel like love is a risk that's no longer worth taking. Did you have to hit me where I am weak? I couldn't breathe, you rubbed salt in my wounds so deep.. But i can't hate, I love you and shall forever love you, your eyes betrayed your words and I somewhere know you love me too, just my stubborn mind doesn't realise..

I considered myself as the luckiest person to have 4 loving brothers, watching you grow up was the best time of my life.. You all never had it easy. I watched you all crumble so many times. The idea of you having to deal with similar hardships crushed me. I could not imagine you all facing pita ji's loss, i tried my best to take his place but failed, failed miserably, failed in all departments, as a brother, as a son, as a lover..

I tried for a really long time to protect you all anujo; I built a wall as high as those that rise up around castles, strong and thick enough to keep a tempest of emotions at bay. I promised you all anujo that I would keep you safe, that I wouldn't let harm come your way.

But how prepared could we have been? It happened all in the blink of an eye, and suddenly the tables turned.

But destiny has an obsession with taking everything I love from me and showing me I am a useless and unwanted person. After everything I did to my best, I could not get you all to trust me, or it is just that I don't deserve to be trusted, I am just a failed lost wanderer...

Mata, I want you to know that I love you dearly and will ever love you, no matter what. If I am given the opportunity to live again I will still choose you as my mum and our family will still be my place of birth.

But unfortunately, I know that there is not going to be any such opportunity. Mata, I didn't want to do this, but I was compelled by circumstances beyond my control to take the plunge.

But now I am leaving, leaving from all of your lives forever, Live your life happily because I won't be there to cause trouble..now it's time to start thriving again. To integrate your pain and loss, to make your life, somehow, oh somehow, better than it was before. without me, not that I matter, I am just a useless piece of shit... I can't live any longer, every moment is like walking on hell fire, the last few days are too much for me to take in...

Waking up was the hardest because all the reality seemed so bleak and void and life was just a series of constant suffering. I didn't even want to wake up. I wished to die. I didn't want to live in the world where there's no acceptance. I kept telling yourself that this too should pass, and that time healed all wounds. But my pain wasn't going any better. It was like, waiting for the pain to keep coming until you just get used to it. My passion is burning away, I am a living corpse, and it is better to burn away than fade away...

With no regrets
Yudhishthira

Devika's eyes widened in horror, where was her love leaving to? She ran, her feet blead but it didn't matter, as she reached the palace gates, the exit..

"Where is yuvraj yudhishthira..." she asked panting..

"Rajkumari, he just left the palace" 

What! Where! Devika thought as she heard 4 males approaching her..

"Rajkumari, are you ok? Why did you yell?" She heard 4 voices of males, she turned and saw his brothers.. Maybe they should know..

Just tears rolled down her eyes as she passed the letter to the 4 younger pandavas, they deserved to know.. she thought..... but she also braced herself for their reactions, she could not bear the intensity, how will they? he was like their father, they loved him since childhood...

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Don't kill me for this emotional roller coaster..

What will be the pandavas reaction reading it?

Where did yudhishthira leave to?

AND NO OFFENSE TO YUDHISHTHIRA, THOSE WERE THE WORDS OF HIS INNER HEART, WHICH WAS SHATTERED AND BROKEN..