HEAL

23 -- HE LOVES ME, HE LOVES ME NOT

"Laurent .... "

His focus was elsewhere, other than on the voice that drifted to him from somewhere behind him, as he sat chewing his nails, his brows knitted together in bewilderment.

"Laurent, come with me.  You'll never have to feel this again .... "  He felt a gentle hand touch his shoulder.  He looked at the place where he felt the touch, seeing nothing.  The "feeling" the voice was referring to was awful.  Worry, and angst, and fear, and pain, physical and otherwise.  He felt like his heart was torn in two, and his gut was somewhere down there below him, on the floor, alongside his body.  

He was looking down at himself, it appeared, lying on the hospital gurney, doctors and nurses bustling around him.  His clothes had been cut from his body, damn, that was his favourite sweatshirt, as he lay in just his underwear.  A huge hole in the flesh in his mid section, stuffed and covered with ... something, but it was working in stopping the blood loss.  Blood and guts and paper towels and wipes and empty packaging were discarded on the floor that surrounded his body.  Every time the doctor pressed the paddles to his chest, it made him literally jump out of his skin.  Every time it hurt.

"Owwwch !"  he yelled rubbing his chest, "why does it still hurt ?  I'm not there anymore, am I ?  I'm here, wherever here is ... "  

"You're in purgatory."  The voice next to his ear made him jump.

"But isn't purgatory hell ?"

"No, that would be hell.  Purgatory is a sort of half way house, where you get to sort yourself out, mentally, spiritually, before you decide where you want to go.  Or, have the decision made for you.  Or stay, as the case may be."  Laurent's frown deepened, getting more confused, if anything.  The voice could tell.

"You're half way between life and death, earth and heaven, if that's what you believe.  You have a strong pull to still want to be here, and now .... you have to decide what you want.  Come with me, and you will never feel pain, or anger, mistrust, betrayal, hurt of any kind again. Or, stay here, on earth, with this man .... ".  Laurent looked over into the corner of the glaringly bright room to where Larry was, pacing, chewing on his fist, tears rolling down his face, staring at Laurent's lifeless form on the bed, as the medical staff did what they needed to do. 

Laurent felt the pull on his soul heavenward, and peace and serenity filled him, as he closed his eyes and thought how amazing it would be to feel like this forever.  He smiled at the thought.  If this was to be forever, he would wait for Larry to join him to enjoy it.  But then, he felt the pull on his heart from the man in the corner of the room, washing over him with a sense of longing, and belonging, of extreme affection, of want and of need for something, for someone.  Love, it was that inexorable, undefinable, torturous, all consuming thing ..... love.   

Laurent turned his head slightly towards the voice, still frowning and chewing his nails.  Why would this decision even be hard ?  Larry still stood in the corner of the room, still pacing, still crying.

"Clear !"  He jumped every time the doctor shouted that word, now having had enough, he just couldn't watch Laurent go through anymore.  He left the room, sobbing, taking a seat in the waiting room down the hall.  Laurent's lifeless form arched off the bed, electricity coursing through his body, his heart still not wanting to co-operate.

"Laurent ?"  The voice was soft and quiet, the touch gentle but persuading of an answer.  The pull was overwhelmingly strong.  Almost, overwhelming.  "They can't keep doing this all day.  Soon, you may not have the choice as to what you want to do.  Your body will decide for you."  The doctors watched the monitors closely, waiting for something, waiting for any sign of life.