my savior | jegulus

three

It wasn't until regulus was 15 that he realized he was in love with james.

in his 5th year, sirius decided to bring james along to their late night meetings on the astronomy tower claiming it was "brother bonding time"

"he's not my brother." regulus had responded at the time, no real malice in his voice but rather confusion. not that he minded james being there of course, he was secretly thrilled.

"he's not BIOLOGICALLY your bother, no. great point reggie! but he's my brother. just like you. so in a way, that makes you two brothers as well." sirius had beamed.

regulus wanted to vomit inside his mouth. james was NOT his brother. no way.

"it's okay, i don't have to be here if you don't want. sirius just thought it might be good to get to know eachother. brother bonding or whatever bullshit he came up with." james spoke softly, slightly glaring at sirius before looking back to regulus.

"it's fine. you can join." reg spoke, not meeting james' gaze.

"he's still not my brother though, you twat." he aimed at sirius before the three of them began laughing and sharing stories.

and even if it killed regulus to admit it, sirius had been right in a way. no they weren't brothers, but they definitely had bonded. and then he realized, no it wasn't the idea of james he liked. it was james. just james. always james.

as james spoke about his passion for the things he loved and the worry he had for his aging parents during the upcoming war, the endless quidditch knowledge he had to share, and all of the good and bad thoughts he had, regulus realized this boy had every quality he needed to fall in love. and so he did.

and although it sounds simple, it was anything but. it was messy and complicated just like himself. regulus would never tell a soul about his fondness for the brown haired boy. james could never love somebody like him, much less did regulus think he deserved that kind of love. and sure as hell would anyone else think he deserved to be loved by someone like james. his parents would have a riot. he needed to survive. loving james potter was not an option.

although, the two always found a way to each other, intentionally or not (perhaps a map had something to do with it ?) and neither one would care to admit that they enjoyed the presence of the other. They shared brief conversations and playful remarks that left the two smiling for the rest of the day. but never anything serious, the two had completely different belief values and they knew that anything too deep could so easily turn their friendship on its side. so they kept to their short interactions and playful banter during their 'brother bonding' on the nights sirius decided to bring james along.

and so it was a bit awkward when just james came trodding up the stairs to the astronomy tower on a cool saturday night.

"remus is sick, sirius is fretting. he told me to come anyways." the boy explained.

"oh, alright." regulus nodded playing with his fingers, not daring to look james in the eye. this was too intimate. if he spent too long with james up here, he knew they wouldn't leave the same.

"i can- i can go if you want. i know we don't really do this kind of thing, so just say the word and i'll leave." the boy spoke softly pointing back to the stairs he just emerged from with a soft tint on his cheeks.

"no! no, it's alright. stay." regulus mumbled the last words shyly, finally looking up from his skinny fingers to meet the hazel gaze he was so fond of.

so james sat down next to him as they admired the stars above, "you can stay with me for the holidays. sirius would love it. i would too. you don't have to live there, you know."

they never talked about this. not even with sirius. regulus knew undoubtedly that the two talked about it without him, but never in front of him, much less with him. the words came as a punch to regulus' gut. he sucked in a breath before he mulled over what to say.

regulus just sighed before deciding , "i can't, you know i can't." he knew james was going to bring it up eventually. he saw the war in his eyes every time they spoke, as if contemplating life or death. which in a way was true. reg didn't know how much longer he could truly 'live' in his home, but that didn't mean james had any right to try to understand or comprehend what regulus was going through or what he claimed he needed. as if being around james alone wasn't risk enough, he wanted to risk more by getting into this with him?

"please, please reggie. please come home with me." the older begged in such a way that made regulus heart ache. james throat had tightened, because looking at this boy in front of him, he knew. he knew he was going to save him. he knew that this love he felt would not be wasted and that the time he spent with regulus would count for something someday. "please, i-. i care. about you. a lot."

"you shouldn't care." the black boy stated as a way to shut out his own feelings of hope and longing. but even still, his eyes found their way to the canis major constellation, and his heart knew there was no way to escape it. he knew the two had been walking on a tightrope that ended with them both falling. the look in both their eyes was enough to prove that they weren't just friends. didn't care like just friends should care.

"but i do" james whispered grabbing regulus' jaw with his thumb and pointer finger, no going back. "i do" he was looking at regulus with such softness, such love, regulus couldn't stand it. and so regulus leaned forward, chasing james' lips, knowing he might not have another chance to do it.

it was short and sweet. just enough for them both to understand the meaning behind it. the affection and tenderness conveyed through the soft press of lips.

"james. we cant. no." regulus stood up abruptly, shaking his head. "my parents, i-"

"no, my fault. i'm sorry, i shouldn't have done that without asking. i meant it though. even if you didn't." the boy responded.

"oh merlin. oh god what are you doing to me." regulus mumbled. "fuck it."

he reproached james and slid his arms around his neck, as he looked into the taller boy's hazel eyes, "course i meant it, asshole."

the next kiss was longer. just as meaningful, with just as much passion. it didnt change the fact that the two were bound to end up on different paths. that they were fighting opposite sides of a war. but they loved eachother. and that's all that mattered in that moment.