All of My Days

5

Sometime mid-2007

"How can you not know?" a loud girlish voice interrupted Seri's thoughts as she struggled to stay awake on the bus ride home.

"Well, we go out on dates, and... do things, but he didn't actually ask me to be his girlfriend," the other late-teenage girl replied sheepishly and covered her face with her hands, "I know, I know, this is horrible."

"Ji Soo, you need to bring this up and don't give up until you get an answer," her friend recommended and Seri opened her eyes to throw a quick glance at two friends sitting in a row in front of her in the bus.

It was dark already, street lights and fluorescent banners lighting the bus interior every few seconds as they drove by. There weren't many passengers on board, only the three of them at the back of the bus and an adjussi at the front, chatting idly with the bus driver. Seri suspected that the girls did not notice her sitting behind them quietly, so they felt like they had the freedom to talk about their love lives.

"What if he says he doesn't want me as his girlfriend?" Ji Soo asked hesitantly, considering her options.

"Then he doesn't get to do the things you usually do in noraebang anymore!" her friends almost threw her arms up in exasperation. "This isn't proper, and you know it."

"I don't know, oenni, I am scared."

Her friend threw one arm around the girl's shoulder and gave it a little squeeze.

"You can do this," she assured, "You need to."

Seri closed her eyes again, sighing quietly. Must be nice to have someone to talk to like this. Someone who can share their opinion or a piece of advice.

"Think about it," the older girl continued. "I don't want to scare you, but if he's not asking you to be his girlfriend, he might have someone else. He might be just keeping you on a short leash in case his other date dumps him. I heard a lot of guys do that these days, especially to younger girls."

"That's horrible," the younger girl looked genuinely shocked. "I don't think he's that kind of guy."

"If he's not, it wouldn't be an issue for him to say the words," her friend concluded logically.

Is that what they were doing with Jeong Hyeok? Seri thought.

Keeping each other on a short leash until someone better, or closer, shows up?

She leaned her head against the cool window of the bus and looked at the flickering lights passing by. Their relationship was very simple and extremely complicated at the same time. He was the closest person she has ever had in her life. Her best friend, her personal discovery. He has opened up a whole new world of words, of sensuality, of red-hot eroticism she's never known before. She loved their deep conversations, book discussions, his observations about the world. His music that he shared with her and his descriptions of what brought up the melody from within him. He was the most poetic, talented, smart, and sophisticated guy she's ever met. She wasn't interested in seeing or even meeting any guys from school or anywhere else. She was getting anxious when they didn't have a chance to talk for a few days in a row and a green-eyed monster within her showed its ugly head every time he mentioned other girls. Eventually, she felt like he started limiting these mentions, which did not necessarily mean the girls disappeared from his life. He may even be seeing someone without telling her. But as long as they could continue their conversations, she didn't mind ignoring this possibility.

Oftentimes she did not know the best way to approach a question that was bugging her, so she hovered on it until he felt that something was bugging her and called her out. But sometimes she hid it and hid it well. The most well-hidden question with the leading score by far was the all-consuming "What are we?" she was absolutely terrified to ask.