All of My Days

8

TRIGGER WARNING: suicide attempt. PLEASE DO NOT READ if this may trigger you, I will provide a summary instead: 

the scene is very similar to how it goes in CLOY, except it happens in Vancouver and instead of RJH distracting her in person, she accidentally turns on his music as she finishes recording her goodbye note. The music distracts her with the memories of him and that's when the police arrive and take her off the bridge and into safety.

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Late 2010

The lights from the North shore flickered in the distance as Seri walked up the gradual slope towards the middle of the Lions Gate bridge. It was windy, the ocean breeze beating the locks of her hair against her wet face. The rare cars drove by quickly, ignoring the speed limit, their drivers in a hurry to get home, or their late-night appointments. Her feet got soaked in her sneakers, her walk taking her considerably longer than she expected. It drizzled on and off in the past few hours, she lost track. 

It's ok, she thought. Not too long anymore.

She stopped as she reached the middle of the bridge and leaned on the railing, exhaling loudly. The old bridge swayed slightly with the strong wind and the cars passing by on the other side, and she gripped the ice-cold metal harder, squeezing her eyes shut as she braced herself to turn around and face the inlet. A seagull flew by low above Seri's head, startling her. The loud bird squeak brought a shiver down the girl's spine as if the gull knew exactly why she was there and screamed in distaste.

Seri opened her eyes after a minute or so, still holding on to the rail with one hand, and reached to pull out her phone from her pocket. Pressing the recording button on the app, she started talking to her family. Her voice shook and she was drawing air through her teeth, chattering with cold, fear, or despair - she didn't know which one. She turned the recording off as she finished her brief goodbye note and held on to the phone tightly. These were the only people she could say goodbye to. She had no one else. No one would miss her. No one will cry over it. She wouldn't need to go through all this anymore. She hoped her counselor wouldn't get fired or anything for failing her case. Seri snickered to herself, recalling their last meeting.

"You're in a new place now, Seri, maybe you should consider visiting nature, some sight-seeing spots our international students love when their first arrive. Here, take a look," the woman handed her a brochure of Vancouver's natural gems. Well, it was indeed beautiful. A beautiful place to disappear into.

Seri stepped closer to the railing and looked down. She couldn't see how far it was to the water, couldn't see the water, it was all just a vast darkness. Emptiness.

She lowered her gaze to her side for a second, thinking about where to leave her phone so her message could be found and delivered to her parents. Perhaps just right here, on the edge of the sidewalk would be ok, she thought as she crouched to put it down, slightly brushing her finger across the touch-screen still open at the recording app.

Seri straightened up, bracing herself for a climb she'll need to do to reach the edge of the bridge, muttering something unintelligible as she wheezed, her bone-skinny body shaking like a leaf in the wind.

"I'm sorry," she muttered as tears burned her cheeks, her skin cold as if she was already deep in the dark waters below her. "I am sorry I am giving up. I can't..." 

The wind carried her quiet plea into the abyss, the intended receiver never hearing these words, oblivious to the events happening right this minute.

Seri drew a long ragged breath, trying to collect herself for the final push when suddenly she heard a quiet melody from below her feet. The subtle notes fighting their way through the wind and the rattling of the old bridge, through the honks of cars in the distance and the sounds of the ocean waves deep below them, all the way up to her ears, and Seri froze on the spot. She looked down, back at her phone, playing the melody she hasn't heard in months. A file she forbid herself from opening but never had the guts to delete. A new wave of tears streamed down her face as her heart ached for the love and the longing in the melody, for the yearning for these feelings to be real. Yet they weren't. 

Unable to hold herself anymore, her fragile frame collapsed onto her knees, face pressed against the thick metal bars of the bridge railing, soft sobs erupting with every shaken breath she took.

That was the condition the police officers found her seconds before the song would have ended. The ambulance came shortly after, taking her to Saint Paul's Hospital, where she was treated for dehydration and sedated so she could finally find some rest.

In the following months, Seri would be a frequent visitor to that hospital, having weekly appointments with her psychiatrist, physician, and social worker. Ahead of her was a long way to recovery from depression, insomnia, and an eating disorder she never cared to admit to herself or anyone else before.

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Cover photo found on Google images