All of My Days

6

Late 2008

"Is everything ok? It's been a while..."

Seri tapped her fingers on the smooth surface of her desk, biting her lip, contemplating. She was looking at her computer screen, the open ICQ message window, and the message itself, that she wrote over a week ago. No reply.

He must be just busy. Or maybe something happened with his Dad's computer and he can't access it, she thought. She knew that for whatever reason, he had limited internet access, but he hasn't disappeared for this long before. It's been almost 2 weeks with no news from him.

Seri went on with her life, pretending that nothing was missing. It was her final year of high school. University admissions, exam cram sessions, her schedule was absolutely packed. The little time she had to relax she hoped to spend talking to her virtual boyfriend, yet he was nowhere to be found.

When he finally replied a week after, he simply said he didn't have internet for a while and brushed off the issue. When he disappeared again, an unpleasant feeling formed in Seri's stomach like something was wrong. She couldn't figure out what it was, him apologizing as usual and being nice as ever, but she felt that something was amiss and he wasn't telling her everything. She tried pressing a bit further, but somehow he made her tell him about her life and how her day went instead. As usual, the man knew how to convince her to share more than he was sharing himself.

Over time, his online time seemed to have shortened, with longer periods in between. It was clear to Seri that Jeong Hyeok was busy with his own impending high school graduation, piano recitals, and basketball tournaments, she knew it all too well. But she missed him. She missed their banter and their open, charged conversations and daydreams on more sensual topics. It was like a whole new layer of her life that he discovered and developed within her over the past two years, that she was yarning to attend to, but couldn't, not without him.

She turned to the book he recommended to her a few months ago, trying to figure out what motivated him to mention it, but the intention evaded her yet again. The worn-out library copy of "North and South" was left on her night table, an unsolved mystery.

In the fall he disappeared for a whole month.

It was a rainy and unusually gloomy fall in Seoul as if the weather reflected Seri's grim thoughts. He must have grown tired of this, she thought. Who wouldn't? Who would choose a virtual relationship with someone he can't even meet over a real thing.

It dawned on her that a real thing must have resurfaced in his life, he was simply being a gentleman about it, trying to spare her feelings. Maybe he was hoping she'd gradually forget about him? Seeing no other explanation for his disappearances, Seri lowered her head as she strode through the park towards the library for a late-night study session.

She can't be angry. She shouldn't be jealous. This was unreasonable. They've set this up clear from the very beginning: if a special someone appears in their life, they wouldn't hold back because of each other. He shouldn't hold back. He deserves a real thing, Seri thought. He deserves love. Oh, how much she wanted to be one who can give it to him. If only he'd let her.

She grew conscious suddenly of the absurdity of their situation. She was holding on to someone whom she's never met. In fact, she knew so little about his real life that sometimes she really doubted her own sanity. He might be lying, maybe he does live in Seoul, but just isn't interested in meeting her. Maybe he's much older, and he's actually married. Maybe it's all just a joke for him.

Was it loneliness that made her fall for this? Was she going crazy? Or was she just a pathetic loner, unable to find real friends?

While these thoughts came up occasionally and muddled her image of him and their relationship, for some unknown reason deep down she believed every word he ever said to her. So every time he came back and wrote her a message after a long period of quiet time, she happily read it over and over again, savoring his kind and caring words full of love....