Ten Reasons to Have Hope

Quiet Late Night Drives

Saturday, December 22nd

That afternoon, the family did what they always did on the Saturday before Christmas. Make stockings! After a trip to Dollar General for supplies, everyone came home and decorated a stocking to hang over the mantle."Hey, Samuel, guess what I did!" Alan walked into the kitchen where Samuel had on a pair of yellow gloves doing the dishes."Do I want to know?" Samuel looked over his shoulder as he plunged his hands back into the sink."I think you do," Alan smiled at him and Samuel looked down to meet his gaze. He could tell that something was inside Alan that Alan couldn't wait to let out.Samuel towered over Alan. He was 6'7 and Alan was only 5'9.Alan looked up at him and grinned from ear to ear."What did you do," Samuel laughed."I hope you like Italian. I got us reservations for RPM Italian on West Illinois Street," Alan said with the same grin. "How much is it?""Now, you don't worry about that," Alan said. "I got it covered.""But I want to be able to help out at least a little."Alan bounced up on his tip-toes and kissed his boyfriend on the cheek."You're helping enough by being there for my girls."Samuel unplugged the drain plug and flicked his hands and pulled off the gloves.He used his arm as a kickstand against the sink.He shook his head."I wish you would let me pitch in sometimes."Alan shook his head back at him. "After the ten days are over." Alan smiled."Be ready by seven." Alan winked and turned the corner, leaving Samuel in the kitchen alone to quietly daydream.When the time finally came for their second date yet, Alan and Samuel hopped into Alan's Subaru and Alan started the car."You ready to go?" Alan asked. "Yes sir. Let's roll.""Oh! Hold on." Alan leaned over Samuel and popped the glove box open, pulling out a Queen CD.He inserted the disc into the CD player and pressed play."What album is this?" Samuel asked."Yes," Alan answered, pushing on the gas and stretching back to look out the back glass."What does that mean?"Alan pulled out of the driveway and started down the street. "It's the greatest hit album. Dad got it for me.""I see," Samuel said as Somebody To Love quietly began to play.The sun had started to go down as they traveled to West Illinois Street."Have you ever been to RPM?" Alan asked. "No, but I've heard good things."Alan grinned. "It's my favorite place to eat. The plan is to get a Bistecca Fiorentina," Alan said in a poor Italian accent. He looked at Samuel and smiled again. "It's a big-ass steak and it is quite the treat." He said in the same accent.Samuel laughed. "It sounds de-lici-oso," he responded in an even worse accent.They arrived at the restaurant in around ten minutes, and they were seated for their reservation in under five.They sat down at their table and their waiter introduced herself."My name is Christina, and I'll be your server today. Could I get you two gentlemen some drinks?"Alan looked at his date. "What's your favorite kind of wine?""Red," Samuel said. "Two glasses of Red wine, please," Alan said. He stopped to study the waitress. "I'm sorry to bother you, ma'am, but have we met before?"The waitress squinted her eyes and they suddenly widened in recognition."Alan Howland?" She said in a questioning tone."Christina Moore?" Alan responded. "Ohmigod," Christina said. "It's been ages!""It has, hasn't it," Alan said. "By the way, I'm sorry for prom.""Oh," she waved her hand at him. "That was years and years ago. It's okay. Besides, we both have lives now."She looked at Samuel. "Oh, Alan, who's this?" she put her little notebook in her apron and her pen behind her ear and her hands in her pockets."Well," he said. "Remember at prom when you kissed me and I proceeded to leave the building?""I do remember that," She said. "Why was that?""You don't know?"She shook her head. "Christina... I'm gay." Alan hadn't had to come out to anybody since he was nineteen years old and his grandparents pressed the information.Christina was audibly caught off guard. "Oh-"Alan pursed his lips together acknowledging the awkward tension, looking at Samuel who looked him in the eye and exhaled silently."Okay, well," she hesitantly laughed. "Who's the lucky guy?""Samuel Westlake," Samuel said, reaching his hand out to shake hers. She accepted his hand. "Nice to meet you, Samuel."She reached her hand out and shook Alan's. "It was nice to see you too, Alan." She reached back into her pocket and pulled out her notebook. "Do you two know what you want on this fine chilly evening?""Yes actually," He ran his finger down the menu and found the one he wanted. He pushed his glassed against his face. Bistecca Fiorentina, please."Christina took down the order and headed back to the kitchen.When she was out of earshot, Alan pressed both of his wrists to his temples and Samuel snickered a forcibly quiet laugh."Oh my god," Alan said. "That was awful. I never want to see another classmate again. Oh my god." He repeated.Samuel laughed. "I doubt anyone remembers me from high school. The biggest thing I did was score one basket in a basketball game when I was like Jackie's age.""Oh," Alan waved his hand at him. "I'm sure you did more than that.""Not even in the slightest. At least you HAD a date to the prom. I only went one year and left after ten minutes.""Why did you leave? Did your date try to kiss you like mine did?" Alan laughed and grinned. Samuel shook his head and his smile faintly faded. "No, nothing like that."Alan's smile faded with Samuels and he reached his hand out over the table and placed it on his. "What happened?""Just some racial shit that shouldn't matter. Besides, it was the nineties.""Oh shit, I'm sorry. It's 2018 now, there isn't a lot of that crap anymore, right?"Samuel shrugged. "It's just weird now. I'm a black dude so I'm either sexualized or seen as a bad guy that's addicted to drugs."Alan nodded as he listened. "You're right, though, it is 2018 and skin color shouldn't matter as much as it does. I hope something changes soon.""It will." Alan smiled and caught Samuel's gaze. "I promise."Samuel smiled. "How was your highschool experience?""Well, I wasn't much of a somebody, that's for sure." Alan laughed and sighed. "I only had a few friends and I haven't spoken to any of them since.""Why's that?""Oh, we just fell apart, I guess. It has been twenty-some years since then. I didn't bother going to our highschool reunions.""Yeah.""I didn't think it was worth it. After my freshman year, I was known as the depressed orphan. I basically had to beg the lowest of the low to let me sit with them at lunch.""Wow. That's awful." Alan nodded. "What happened to you?""Well, I never tried to, you know, during highschool, but I was frequently thought about it way too often. Kids in my class weren't the best. I was the only dark-skinned teenager in the freakin' grade, and man, did they treat me like it was my fault."Alan shook his head. "I hate that."Samuel shrugged. "It doesn't matter anymore. I have you."Alan smiled and squeezed his hand.When their food was served to them, Alan couldn't help but acknowledge the drool coming out of Samuel's mouth. He looked like he hadn't eaten in weeks when he saw the massive steak in front of him.Alan thanked Christina and she nodded at him, glancing Samuel up and down before walking away. They ate their meal and before they began to leave, Christina returned once more to give them some to-go boxes. She said goodbye to the men and walked away for a final time, when Alan and Samuel stood up as well to leave the restaurant. Opening the passenger door for his date, Samuel ducked his head into the car and Alan walked around to the driver side. "Shall we?"It was a Saturday in Chicago, meaning traffic was a living hell usually, but tonight Alan decided to take a route that was a bit more uncommon. It was a quiet drive. "Hey, Samuel?""Yeah?"Alan looked over at him, lit only by the quick paced street lights racing past. "Why were you on that bridge?"A car shot past them and Samuel thought of a way to word his scenario. "I got myself into a bit of trouble and karma hit me like a truck." He said. "Tell me from the beginning." Alan said."I graduated highschool and went to college to be an english teacher actually, but of course that didn't work because apparently kids just happen to prefer big-breasted brunette woman as a teacher than a scary looking six-foot black dude."Alan nodded and Samuel sighed, continuing. "So I gave up after a year. I have a passion to teach but no one wanted me to, and I shot myself into a deep depression. Got into some drugs.""I never would've known." Alan said, gripping the wheel of the car.Samuel shook his head. "I've been clean for over a year and I moved back in with my parents, but my luck caught up with me and they were both involved in an accident.""Oh my god," Alan whispered to himself."Head-on collision with a truck with a drunk driver at the wheel who fell asleep. Since it was ruled an accident, he went to jail for 12 months and walked away with nothing more. In court the one thing I said to him was that I hoped he would die."Alan nodded in silent support.Samuel shook his head again. "That night was especially unforgiving. I had visited mom and pop's grave the afternoon before and when I returned the next day someone had stolen the flowers I left."He continued, fighting the urge to cry out. "That night I saw on the news that the man somehow escaped and I just wanted my goddamn mom and dad back. Before you, they were the only support I ever had."It was then that Alan realized that Samuel was, in fact, starting to cry. "Alan, I'm so sorry. I just wanted to be back with my parents in a place where racism didn't exist and there were no bad people out there and I just wanted to fucking end it all and-"That was all that Samuel could get out before completely breaking. Alan had hot tears streaming down his face but he didn't know to say to him. Samuel wasn't just crying, it was the kind of desolate sobbing that comes from a person who has lost all hope. Samuel pressed his fist against his forhead and coughed a painful sob out of his soul. He pushed out the word "sorry" over and over again, and every time he did so, Alan's tears became more and his heart broke again and again. "No, no, don't say that," Alan said, looking at him. "It's okay, it's okay." This was nothing like Alan was used to. He was used to his six year old daughter's tears when her stuffed animal broke a seam. He wasn't used to a grown man with a broken heart. "I just wanted to go somewhere where everyone loved me, and no one saw me as a drug addict or a bad guy," he looked at Alan with a face full of tears. "I'm not a bad guy, Alan, I just wanted everything to be over-""You're not a bad guy." Alan repeated. Tears streamed down his face and he couldn't stop them if he tried. "You're only saying that because you're so good, everyone loves you-""Stop it!" Alan gripped the wheel. "You're so fucking perfect and your life is so great and you're a perfect dad-""Samuel!" He shouted. "I just wish I was good enough for you!"Alan slammed on the breaks and swerved into the grass beside the road and in one swift motion, put the car in park and slid down the back of the seat. He pressed his hands to his faceHe cried for what seemed like hours. Part of him knew exactly what Samuel was feeling. "I'm sorry, I wish I could understand, I was just a stupid kid when I-""What are you even talking about?""When I tried to jump off that same fucking bridge!" He punched the car horn and somehow it scared him. "God damn it, Samuel! I know what it's like to want to die too! That doesn't mean that it's an O.K. thought to have!" Alan stopped himself and apologized. "I'm sorry, I'm just stressed.""No, I'm sorry," Samuel wiped his cheek and coughed. "I forgot you knew what it was like to feel hopeless."Alan nodded and sighed. "That doesn't matter. I have enough hope now."They both went quiet to think about the things that they had said, and the effect that what they said had on the other. Finally, after the silence following the sounds of the mindless sobs finally ceased, Samuel looked down at Alan and whispered, "You saved my life, Alan, I can't repay you for my whole life.""You don't ever have to," Alan wiped his nose on the sleeve of his dress shirt and wiped it on his pant leg. "You being alive is payment enough."Both of them reached for each other's hands instinctively. "I love you so much." Samuel said. Alan smiled. "Thank you for stopping me," Samuel said. "I'm so glad I did," he replied. A lot more of the car ride was quiet, the only sound around was the hum of the car going down the down the road and Alan's Queen CD quietly singing to them as they thought about their lives. Though Samuel missed his parents, he knew now that someday he would be reunited with them, but in the meantime, he has a family to be a part of."Adeline would have loved my mom," Samuel said after a long silence, looking over at Alan. "Oh yeah?" Alan smiled with the corner of his mouth.Samuel nodded and smiled. "Mom was always smiling and she was always up for an outing on the ice. I never learned how to ice-skate.""I bet she laughed with us when you fell last week." "I bet she did."They went quiet again, reminising on the ice skating adventure that Adeline had begged for. Though he fell frequently, Samuel seemed like some sort of natural. It made more sence to Alan when he realized that both of his parents were experienced in the art."I wish they could have met the girls." Samuel whispered. "They were so good to me... they would have loved those kids."Alan nodded. Samuel looked over at him, again, only illuminated by the street lights whizzing by. "You're a good dad, Alan, better than I'd ever be."Alan shook his head. "You're more than just my boyfriend to them." He looked over at Samuel and tilted his head. "Those girls see you as a dad, too."Samuel smiled. "I'll try to live up to it."