Ten Reasons to Have Hope

The Smell Of Pine Trees

Chapter Six

Tuesday, December 18th

The Fourth Day

That evening after dinner and a day of lying around at the house, the family, including Jackie, piled into Alan's Subaru that still smelled like strawberry banana kiwi after Adeline spilled an entire milkshake the previous summer. There they went to the local Christmas tree store on Clark Street. On the way, they all sang Christmas songs, each of them becoming more and more burnt out on the holiday music they were constantly exposed to. A person can only take so much Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer and Mariah Carey. They pull into the parking lot and they all get out. Walking inside, Adeline, Jackie, and Samantha all scurry into the crowd, looking for the perfect tree. The view of shiny balls and canes hanging from pine trees, glittering with tinsel, it surrounded Samuel in a way he couldn't describe. It was magical.A scent hit him that he couldn't explain. It was the smell he would describe as nostalgia. Alan shrugged and decided that he and Samuel have no say in the color, shape, size of the tree, so the two of them went looking for lights instead, more or less to just go walk around and talk while his daughters went looking for a tree. Not just a tree, but the perfect tree that would show all of the neighbors the Christmas tree that described the Howland family. Samuel picked up a set of white lights and Alan agreed that it would be perfect. They wandered around the store while the girls ran freely around the store. Walking through a tunnel of Christmas trees, both Samuel and Alan hesitantly reached for each other's hands. He would remember the feeling of his hand for the rest of his life. Shit, okay, this is how this is going to go. Alan thought.With the fans all over the store, the trees swayed briefly like a woman's hair on a windy summer day. He was like a teenager with his first crush, the only difference was that he was a grown adult, and so was his crush. They weaved their fingers within the other's and both of them blushed. Neither of them said anything. Alan couldn't think of anything to say to him, and neither could he. They walked around, pretending to look at anything, both of them thinking about the intimate feeling of their hands together. No, not a crush, not a crush, the thoughts echoed in Alan's mind. Each time he thought it, the less it felt real to him. If he's not a crush, what is he? Alan thought. He sleeps in my bed, and now we're holding hands? What are we? This was the first time Alan had truly thought about what they were. They didn't seem like friends, not even like family. They seemed too close to be just friends, just family. They were holding hands for God sake, it's hard to not be anything less than a couple. But that's not what they were. It had only been a few days since they met. This is wrong.Though Alan told himself over and over again that what they were was wrong, he couldn't help but to love it. He loved this kind of feeling of affection, something that is more than being 'just friends'. He kept thinking about what they were. It was inappropriate to describe them as 'friends with benifits' because he couldn't think of any benefit aside from the company of another adult, but it was equally inappropriate to describe them as 'just friends'. All at once, they were best friends, more than friends, and complete strangers, and yet here they were, in a Christmas tree shop that smelled like pine cones and cinnamon, their palms pressing against one another without hesistation.After a long, awkward silence, Samuel asked "What were the reasons so far." Alan paused to shove all of his previous thoughts under the bed in his head to think about what exactly they were. He didn't know."I think... Saturday was the innocence a child has. Adeline, how she showed off in front of you, how she asked you a million questions, and how you just let it happen." Alan smiled again, thinking about his girl when she was first learning how to skate, slipping and sliding around, just like Samuel had done on the day they went to the Bean, not knowing that Samuel used to go ice skating yearly."Yeah, that did make my heart happy for her to see me as someone she's known for years." Samuel smiled and thought about how she reminded him of himself when he was a little boy. Imaginative, intuitive, wild, and free spirited. He missed that feeling. The feeling of being completely free, not having to conform with anything. She was a little girl that was independent for someone that young."Sunday was the peaceful feeling you get while watching the snow fall in the evening, the cold coming in through the walls fighting the warmth of the fireplace." The thought made him shiver. There were fans all around the store that created the illusion of chilly weather. Alan shifted his shoulders to adjust his sweater in a more comfortable way."Yeah." Samuel smiled which Alan think about how Adeline reacted when Samuel tucked her in, giving him a big hug as if she had really known him for her entire life. Yes, she was a little girl, but Samuel would never be able to describe that feeling."Addie has really taken a liking to you, hasn't she?""Yeah," Samuel said, "She has.""Yesterday's was the feeling you get when you watch a sunrise." Samuel glanced down at their hands, still connected to each other through their fingers. Alan's small palms kissing his. There was nothing in the world that Samuel could think of that felt better than the security of someone holding your hand.Samuel looked at Alan. "When you took me in, I thought your reasons to live would be, I don't know, objects or things to do, or something.""My reason to live, personally, is the memories I make and the personalities I create." He smiled and tried to suppress the feeling of wanting to burst with energy and laughter, thinking about the great feeling he gets when he spends any amount of time with his daughters. Which was strange, now that he was with Samuel. He didn't know how to describe the feeling he got when he was around him. It was the same feeling of laughter and excitement, but something entirely different."Alan?" Samuel's voice cut through Alan's thoughts."Yeah, Samuel?""What is today's reason?"Alan looked around, making sure to acknowledge where they were, then back down at their hands. He never pre-thought of any of the ten reasons to not die. He made them up on the spot. He figured he wouldn't bring up their hand-holding, he didn't want him to think he was liking it too much. Not that he wanted to make it seem like he didn't like it, he just didn't want to be a creep. He didn't know where his thought process was going. "I think the smell of pine trees is an appropriate reason to be alive during the holidays."Samuel nodded. "I have one more question.""What's that?" Alan responded, hoping he wasn't going to ask him why he was holding his hand. He also hoped that he wouldn't comment on the sweaty palms that Alan must have had. His palms would always sweat when he got nervous."What's the real reason that you adopted your girls? Like, the full story.""Oh," Alan said, waving his free hand, silently thankful that he hadn't commented on either of his actions. "That's a story for another time."Suddenly, Samantha, Jackie, and Addie rush over to Samuel and Alan, Addie jumping into Samuel's arms, causing him to drop Alan's hand. Alan nervously blushed and looked at Samantha. "We're still looking for a tree, but can we get some money for snacks and stuff?" Alan pulled out his wallet, dug around, and handed Samantha $20 and the three ran off into the makeshift holiday jungle that a team of underpaid workers spent days setting up."We clearly have time." Samuel ran his hand down Alan's arm, weaving his fingers through Alan's again, this time with a subtle confidence that Alan briefly picked up."Well," Alan said. "When I was a freshman in high school, I think, I was actually on the edge of the same bridge you were on. The only difference is, I jumped."Samuel's face shot from confidence to confusion and sadness. "You jumped?"Alan nodded. "Yeah, I jumped. I told you that, I thought. I remember shouting in regret as soon as my foot slipped off."You could see the pain in Alan's eyes. He had repressed the memory for years, not telling the story to even his closest friends. "The same bridge?" Samuel quietly asked, mostly to himself, looking down at the ground as they walked around. There was an open peppermint on the ground. Someone's having a bad day, Samuel couldn't help but think.Alan nodded again. "The same bridge. The water was cold. I'll never forget the feeling of the icy water." He shuddered. "My family was cruel, well, my biological ones. You know.""I'm sorry.""Monday is actually the 21st anniversary of my suicide attempt.""Wait," Samuel thought about it, counting the days. "Christmas Eve?" Why would someone go camping on Christmas Eve? That doesn't make any sense.Alan nodded. "I came out to my biological parents as gay, and needless to say, they didn't want me. Nobody wanted me." Alan didn't want to bring up his brother. Andrew was a part of his old life that he held onto, and he was the one thing that kept Alan from completely forgetting about his past. He didn't know if he wanted to forget, or if he wanted to hold on to Andrew, hoping that he hasn't forgotten about him."You don't have to go on if you don't want to," Samuel said after he realized Alan was so wrapped up in thought he couldn't say anything. Somewhere in the distance he heard a child shout, and even further he could faintly hear someone sneeze. The store still seemed curiously silent."No, it ends well. I think I told you yesterday, I don't know. Well, when I jumped, I screamed, and it woke up a man and his son who were asleep in a tent near the riverbank.""Really?" Alan couldn't figure out why Samuel was acting this way. He could have sworn he had told Samuel all about this, well, most of the story."The man left his tent and saw me fall into the water.""Did he jump in and save you?""Well, the next thing I remember is seeing the man I now call my father above me in an ambulance and his son, my now brother, next to him." That was even stranger to Samuel. A man and his son on Christmas Eve, camping next to a river."Wow... I can't believe your luck.""It wasn't luck." Alan smirked and shook his head. "I was God's plan for him to find me.""So, what happened next?""I lied to him, telling him I was homeless. He took me in right away. He gave me the best life I could ever ask for. He raised me right.""And your birth parents?""I don't speak to them. Why should I? They were toxic towards me, never treated me the respect I feel I deserved and the girls have always known my savior as "Papa Joel" and his son as "uncle Mickey". Not to mention," Alan said, his eyebrows creasing, thinking about something serious. "How fast they just assumed I was dead. They didn't even fill out a missing persons' thing. They just accepted it. I heard from Mom that they even held a small funeral for me. They didn't even try.""Oh Alan," Samuel let go of his hand and reached out to touch his shoulder. Knowing him, the thing he needed right then was some good old fashioned human interaction. The only downside was that Samuel didn't know how to do that. After giving him and awkward pat on the back, he reached back down towards his hand. This was just as awkward."I haven't spoken to my birth parents since that night. I went back to them right before I made the decision to ask if I could come home. They didn't want me, why should I try to reconnect with them? It wasn't the first time they kicked me out. I had been homeless for days at that point, only going home to ask them when I could come home. I saw it as a punishment, I just couldn't figure out what I was being punished for.""I get that.""I know what it feels like to not be wanted," Alan said. "I wouldn't wish that on anyone.""Is that why you adopted your girls?""Yes. Samantha was twelve when I adopted her. She has Alopecia and at that point she was completely bald. As soon as I laid my eyes on her, I knew she had gone through some tough shit. I felt bad for her, but at the same time, I felt a connection to her immediately. I fell in love with that little girl instantly. Now my little girl is seventeen. I can't believe she's been in my hands for five years.""And Adeline?" Samuel asked. If there was anyone he felt a connection to, it was her. She seemed to have the same connection with him, thank God she didn't think Samuel was so much of a stranger that she hated him. Samuel had his doubts at first about Samantha, but he seemed to have been forming some sort of relationship with her, too. He hoped so anyway."I have yet to figure out why no one wanted her. She's black, but boy, is she the most bubbly and beautiful little girl in the world. She was given up for what seemed like no reason. Luckily, I got a hold of her when she was two, so she doesn't remember what it as like to be given up. Samantha never talks about what she went through there, but I would obviously never make her."Samuel nodded and thought about them for a moment. "You have yourself a fine set of children, don't you, Alan."He grinned and subtly cocked his head to the side thinking about what went through his head when he did the paperwork to get those girls. "I sure am a proud dad." He smiled, thinking about his girls, but his smile soon faded. "I know first hand what it's like to be thrown out as a child. I wanted to save as many children from that as I can.""Well," Samuel said, "You've connected and saved more than just children. You saved my life. I know I'm a grown adult, but the point remains."Alan squeezed his hand. "I've traveled through the fifty states and swam in the ocean. I've lived and driven cars and filmed most of the greatest moments in their lives." He thought about the small memories that he made, sleeping in his car in most of the states when he didn't want to stay in an expensive hotel. "If my life was to end tomorrow, I can definitely say there would be no regrets. I am very lucky, and I know it. My whole life is for those girls." He didn't know where he was going with this. "I have lived a million times over, but all I have ever wanted to do was meet someone that I connect with in a different way, and I sure am glad I did." What did I just say?"Trust me, I do too." They looked at each other and neither one knew what they were feeling, but both of them knew that it was a mutual feeling. He could see it in his eyes. It was the feeling you get when you're about to burst into tears, but in a good way. Samuel suddenly felt something melt inside of him, something that he couldn't explain. He had never felt the anticipation of a first kiss, but then again he didn't know why he was leaning in to kiss Alan in the first place, nor why Alan was going in for it too. All he could think about was a quote from one of his favorite books, My Most Excellent Year by Steve Kluger, which was "A first kiss after five months means more than a first kiss after five minutes." He and Alan didn't even know each other for five days, and here they were, about to do something that neither of them will remember, but at the very same time they knew they would.In the silence, and in the moment, Samuel nervously leaned and Alan leaned too. Closer and closer their faces got, until Samantha interrupted them. Damn it, Samantha. Both of them unknowingly thought at the same time."Uh, dad? Samuel?" Samantha coughed into her shoulder and glanced up, avoiding eye contact with either of them.They jumped back from each other, attempting to pretend to be looking at something. "Uh, yeah?" Samantha rubbed her neck and her little sister piped in, not knowing what they had just walked into.Adeline, from Samantha's back, had a huge smile on her face. "We founded the perfect tree." Samantha nodded with the same smile on her face, Jackie had the same smile, standing on the ground next to the pair. Alan wondered if they had choreographed this, or at least planned it. Samantha led them around to the back of the store towards the tree that the three of them picked out. As they went deeper into the makeshift seasonal forest, the smell of freshly cut Christmas trees and pine resin stung Alan's nose.The tree that was shown to them was one of the most gorgeous trees Samuel had ever seen. It looked like it had grown for the soul purpose to be looked at, to be admired. Like God had spent a little extra time working on this one tree so that those girls could find it, so it could be placed in their living room."Wow, that's one tree, aint it." Samuel said."It sure is."Alan looked at Samantha. "How much is it?""It's only $100, can we please get it? It comes with ornaments." Samantha smiled at him, followed by Jackie and Adeline. "Please?" Adeline repeated. Her big eyes were doing most of the convincing, even though he was most likely going to say yes anyway. I love Christmas, he thought as he debated his answer. And if there's one thing I love more than Christmas, it's Samuel. His own thought caught him off guard. No! It's making my girls happy. Shit, why did I think that? I hope he can't read thoughts.Alan did agree that it was a marvelous tree, one of the biggest he had ever seen. He wondered if it would even fit in the living room. "I guess so, but you girls are doing all of the work." Alan loved the holiday season as much as the next, but the idea of spending hours working on putting plastic balls on a tree was always something that he would skip out on, drinking tea while his children did the work."Really?" Jackie said."Of course, sweetheart! Have at it!"With the tied tree to the top of the car, the five drove home to decorate the tree, singing Christmas Carols the whole way home. The only problem was that Alan didn't know where home was. They ended up on a road next to Lake Michigan. The Christmas lights from hundreds of houses twinkled across the bay, like a thousand fireflies lighting up a field in August. If it takes getting lost to find something as wonderful as a fresh cut Christmas tree, it all will have been worth it.After navigating the twists and turns of Chicago in the evening with three laughing girls in the back seat, Alan finally managed to find their way back. At home, Samantha, Alan, and Samuel worked together to rearrange furniture to make room for the tree that they neglected to measure before dragging into the house. Once it was in, the girls decorated the tree and Samuel and Alan sat on the love seat that was pushed across the room to make space for the glorious pine tree that would be stuck up in the corner. Excitement cursed through his body when he watched the girls put everything together and stand back and admire what they had done, then continue to work on it, adjusting things here and there, moving things, adding things.Lounging on the love seat, they look at each other and smile, Samuel, knowing more about Alan than he thought he ever would. Suddenly they were less like strangers. Alan sipped his tea and rested his hand on Samuel's knee, leaning his head on Samuel's shoulder. The night came to an end in a beautiful way.He didn't understand what it was that was drawing him closer and closer each moment to Samuel. He had his head leaned on his shoulder and his hand on his knee, the other being used to drink his evening tea, green with three scoops of sugar. He had an addiction, but at least it wasn't unhealthy. Samuel had learned Alan's perfect cup of tea recipe and made him some that evening so that Alan didn't have to. Maybe this is why I love him. His eyes widened as he realized the words that disappeared as soon as they went through his head. He drank his tea andThey were surrounded by Christmas Lights around the room and the fireplace lit up the rest of the room with a warmth that only the love for a family could outdo. Alan couldn't help but think about the image that shot through his head earlier that day. He couldn't believe his mind put Samuel in front of Samantha, Addie, and Jackie. He didn't know what to do about it though. He decided that he wasn't going to think more into it. That's crazy talk, Alan thought. It's just like that movie Adeline is in love with, Frozen? Yeah, that's the one. You can't marry a man you just met. Alan was, again, concerned with where his mind immediately went. No! You can't love a person you just met. He moved his head to look up at Samuel and smile, taking a sip of his tea as he did so.I hate my brain.