Mask off

Hope is a dangerous thing

The cold wind blew through the window, letting a light breeze fall over Damian's body.  He was starring at the wall, just thinking. His eyes were red and sore, mainly from crying so much. He had no plans on moving from his spot. It's only been a day, but it feels like he hasn't seen his mother in years. Everyone else was in the basement, trying to figure out if there was a way to bring Talia back to life. Would the magic work on her like it did Damian? He sighed, continuing to stare at the wall.

Through everything he has been through, this is the worst. Every time he blinked, he saw his mother's dead body. Damian blamed himself. How could he not notice this, not notice his own mother suffering? He went through the same thing, yet he couldn't save his mother. Damian rubbed his eyes, slowly trying to push back the tears. He was tired of crying, tired of feeling so sad. 

Any of his thoughts were interrupted by the creak of a door. He looked over and saw Kamilah standing at the door. She had a sad smile on her face. Damian's stomach flipped at the sight. "Did it work?" He asked in a sore, raspy voice. Kamilah just smiled sadly at him, "I'm sorry."  Damian understood what she meant right away. It didn't work, his mother was still dead. He felt tears sting his eyes. He tried to rub away the tears but they wouldn't stop.

"We can try other things, like the Lazarus pit" Kamilah explained, moving closer to Damian. She sat down beside him, reaching out to hold his hand. Damian took a shuddering breath, trying to think. He wanted his mother back but he didn't want to hurt her. She has been in the Lazarus pit so many times. Damian knows what the pit does to a person, he has seen it happen to many people. He wanted what was best for his mother.

Kamilah continued, "We can try the magic again or we can try-". Damian took a breath, interrupting Kamilah. "No" He whispered. Kamilah looked at Damian with sadness, "Damian." He looked up at her, eyes shining with unshed tears. 

"I have to let her rest." 

After Damian said that, he broke down. He sobbed, letting all of the pain out. Kamilah wrapped her arms around Damian's shoulder, letting the boy cry. He felt his chest close in on him. The weight on his shoulder seemed to double. What was he going to do now? Damian has hit an all-time low. He felt ashamed of everything, of crying so much, of showing so many emotions. At this moment, in Kamilah's arms with the image of his mother dying, he did not care.

Damian pulled himself away from Kamilah's body, slowly whipping his eyes to try and stop the tears. He looked at Kamilah, who also had tears in her eyes. "Hafid, do you want to bury her," Kamilah asked, letting her hand rest on Damian's leg. Damian bit his lip but slowly nodded. "Okay love, we can discuss it more later," Kamilah said, bringing her hand to frame Damian's face. 

Damian felt bad, Kamilah shouldn't be crying as well. Damian brought his hand up and wiped her tears. "At least now I would have fit in with the Bats" Damian joked, letting a small smile come onto his face. Kamilah let out a watery laugh, smiling too. It was an inappropriate time to make a joke, Damian knew that, but he didn't know what to do with all of these emotions. He didn't know how to deal with them or how to express them. 

Kamilah took Damian's hand, slowly kissing his palm. "Damian, I know things are hard right now, but please know how much we all love you. We are all here for you Damian. I promise you, this is not the end for you." Damian smiled at the sincere words. "I know" Damian started, "I don't know how we will move on from this, how I will move on from this." Kamilah smiled at Damian. "My love, you don't have to move on from this. This is something that will affect you for your whole life. What you can do is learn to live with it." Kamilah leaned up, giving Damian a kiss on the forehead.

She rested her head on the boy's shoulder, letting her lips go close to his ears. "Hafid, your mother would be so proud of you," Kamilah said, wrapping her arms around his back. Damian bit his lip. New tears flooded his eyes again, falling down his cheek before he could wipe them off. He wrapped his arms around Kamilah, putting his head on her shoulder. 

He cried again, but this time he didn't feel ashamed. He let himself cry, let himself sob into Kamilah. He knew Kamilah wouldn't judge him or be ashamed of him. Damian wasn't ready for what was to come, all of the pain and greaving, but maybe if he had everyone here, he would be okay. Kamilah rubbed soothing circles in his back, muttering praising in Arabic and Urdu. 

"Damian, you are the strongest person I know. If anyone can get through this, it's you" Kamilah said, pressing light kisses to the side of Damian's head. "I love you" She whispered. Damian hugged her a little tighter. He didn't have to say 'I love you' back, he knew Kamilah already understood. He cried a little harder. 

In all honesty, Damian was scared. Scared of how this would change him, scared of how much this would hurt him. He wished his mother was here. Damian wished he could hug her one last time; have one last conversation with her. Damian wished he knew why she did it. Why she would leave him, especially at a time like this. He might never get an answer. This will never be the same, maybe that's why she left him.