Pieces of You

Chapter Nine: The Truth

I blinked up at him, trying to sort out what that means but I'm at a loss. He was squeezing his eyes closed so tightly that I'm sure it hurts.

"Once I know what?"

"I never meant any of that shit I said..." he forced the words out in one quick breath, breaking the barrier that was holding him back. I heard his breath catch in his throat as he tried to breathe evenly, his poor heart was racing.

"What stuff? I don't understand, Lu." The nickname slipped out and I blushed. I'd never called him that, but it felt... right I guess.

"All of it, Cam. You're not loud, or annoying, and definitely not sickeningly sweet. You are sweet, very sweet but I actually love that about you. And fuck, angel I didn't... it wasn't because I felt bad for you, that night... I just wanted to make you feel happy again. There's.. it's a lot to explain princess but I promise you I never wanted to have to leave."

I sat, completely stunned, and pulled my hand back from his knee. I wrapped my arms around myself, trying to process why he'd say any of that if he didn't mean it.

I don't cry much anymore. It stopped mostly when I went numb a while back.

But the lump in my throat was forming, along with tears in the corners of my eyes. I looked up at him through glassy eyes, and he looked so guilty.

"You said 'have to' why would you have to leave?" I could barely even get the words out as my lip trembled. I was trying to hold the tears back, but it was no use once they started.

I was looking down at my lap, and I saw him reach up to wipe at his own eyes. I could hear him breathing shakily still.

"I-I'm so sorry. Ash called me that night, he uh convinced me I should... not see you. He made me promise." He sniffled through his broken words.

And suddenly it made so much fucking sense.

"He, um said I wasn't needed and that him and Cal would keep you safe. I knew he blamed me... they both do. I just didn't know he didn't want me around until he told me."

"I blamed myself anyway, so when he said I was bad for you I... I just believed him. I thought you'd be okay, he said you would be. Then I saw you out that night... and you weren't the same person anymore. You weren't happy and I'm just so sorry I wasn't there for you. I should've been there for you, angel you deserved so much better."

The guilt, and pain in his eyes, the nervous silence that night. It all makes sense, the way he stared at me in that hallway like he'd seen a ghost.

"I needed you, Luke."

I'd curled my hands into fists, squeezing them to release even a little of the anger that was brewing towards Ashton and Calum.

"I... I know that now princess. I'll never forgive myself for leaving you like that. I just never wanted to be the reason you got hurt again."

"But you were!" I hadn't meant to say that out loud, but I screamed it at him.

"You always were. I haven't stopped hurting since the day I realized you were never coming back for me."

It felt as if something snapped inside of me, and if I didn't get these thoughts out I'd drown in them.

He watched me with eyes filled full of tears and shame, but he didn't speak. He knew I wasn't done with him yet.

"The things you said to me... I changed, Luke. I fucking ruined myself hoping that maybe if I was different you'd want to come back. I thought maybe if you felt that way about me, everyone else did too."