Woke

28.)

"Okay, so your first reading of the semester is on Heart of Darkness." Taylor said, reading off a sheet of paper. "Your homework was to read up on the first three chapters of the novel. What'd you guys find?"

A few people rose their hands, but I stayed silent. Mr. Connor had been subbing for our English teacher for over a week, and it didn't get easier to see his face. Everyday I would dread going to school, though I was thankful the class was my first of the day. I never spoke in class, which was out of my character. I knew it would screw with my participation grade, but I didn't care. I refused to acknowledge him as my superior.

"So I did some background research on Belgian-Congo and was extremely horrified by the mistreatment of Congolese people during this era." A student started. "I feel Conrad was trying to portray his own personal experiences of what he saw while in Africa."

"I would agree... Jessie, right?" Taylor questioned. "Sorry, I'm terrible with names. What do you all think of Kurtz?"

"I hate him." Nicole blurted.

Taylor gave her an amused smile. "We haven't even met him yet."

"Exactly." She explained. "How does this man manage to hold such a significance in this story without even showing his face or speaking a line?"

"Because it's apparent how terrible of a person he is." We all turned to look at Chris. He had a bored look on his face, barely looking up from whatever he was drawing in his notebook.

"He's very admired and feared."

Chris scoffed at Taylor's observation. "That's because he's one of the most successful exporters of ivory and rubber. There's no way he's not exploiting the people working for him. He's clearly a torturer and slave master."

"So do you believe he symbolizes white supremacy?"

"Of course, but it was more than that."

"How so?" I fought back a gag at the way he sounded so professional. He was far from it. I was starting to get angry again, as the memories once more filled my mind. Who did he think he was, coming into my space again and trying to pretend as if nothing happened? The fucking nerve... My fists clenched and I found myself gritting my teeth hard.

"Kurtz is heavily admired by those who haven't met him and those who have." Chris explained. "Some love him blindly-- others love him because they fear him. He's garnered heavy praise for his achievements, but that doesn't change the fact that he's an abuser."

"Explain how he's an abuser."

"Well, like I said, Kurtz exploited the Congolese people in the name of profit. He went on horrible raids in different territories for ivory. The man knew exactly what he was doing-- he kept the severed heads of Congolese slaves! That guy was sick."

Taylor acted as if he were contemplating my boyfriend's words. "I'm not saying I disagree, but how does that make him--"

"Kurtz could do whatever he wanted to anyone of his choosing." The words left my mouth like vomit, surprising everyone, myself included. "He had the pull and influence needed to make himself out to be this... admirable man. But he wasn't. He was a monster. We'll never know what those Congolese slaves endured, because all we're given is how much the narrator has this odd admiration for Kurtz. The man is damn near victimized later on, as if he just needed help. Abusers are not always gonna look like the creep with greasy hair and a bottle always in his grip-- the scariest monsters are the good looking bastards with money and dazzling smiles."

Taylor's eyes bore into mine the entire time I was speaking, and I watched them darken with every word that left my mouth. I could see the slightest hint of red trying pierce through his semi-tanned skin. His jaw was clenched tightly, and I could feel everyone looking at me in confusion. Maybe I took things too far, especially in a public setting, but I didn't care. I hated him. Taylor Connor nearly ruined my life. If I wasn't allowed to forget, neither was he.